Sometimes It Pays to Leave the House Without Underwear On

So, if you will recall my posting last week, I pointed out that the first girl to get attention in an episode is the girl who's going home. Well, this week Janet is the lucky girl to get all the camera time up front, as she lectures the others on keeping a clean home.

Meanwhile, Asperger's Heather lounges on the back deck, explaining to her listeners exactly what is wrong with every girl in the house. Now, something has definitely changed about Heather. She seems...cattier. Am I discriminating against a disabled person for noticing Heather doesn't seem awkward-good so much as awkward-evil?

Just then Heather is interrupted when we learn that Howard University will accept anyone into its musical theatre program when Ambreal serenades the patio.

Tyra Mail! "Spring forward, fall back." No, it's not time to turn the clocks, it's time for Benny Ninja, posing expert and manorexic, to meet the girls at the gym for some precarious bouncing on a long skinny trampoline.

After limbs flail and knee cartilage snaps, it's back to the house for the season's requisite run-around-the-house-naked scene. There's so much ass blurring I can't even tell who the two nudie sprinters are, but hey! They're girls! They're naked! Weeee!

With the naked 'behind' us (hehe) we return to Benny Ninja who definitely does not have enough body fat to keep himself alive for longer than 5 minutes in the Ice-o-Plex. Here the girls find out they are going to be lifted in the air by a professional ice skater. Ha! This immediately reminds me of forcing the girls to wear high heels on a runway in a pool and I cannot believe Tyra does not show up for some serious sadistic voyeurism. Instead, Danielle from Cycle 6 arrives (the original bad accent winner who paved the way for Jaslene. Shout out, Atlanta!) along with Ann Shoket, the editor of Seventeen Magazine.

Okay, what's up with Ann? She's dressed like a homeless pimp, in an ill-fitted, no-fibre-crap-coloured leather jacket with a disco collar sharp enough to use as a shank when she's locked up for macking out hos. And the necklace? Seriously.

Turns out the girls aren't flipped around Blades of Glory style as I was hoping, but sort of lifted, except for Heather, whose body has a 'meltdown' on the ice (hehe) and so she just sort of glides with her knee up. Lisa wins, the girls all roll their eyes and Lisa is all like, wha? You girls aren't happy for me? But she grabs some girls and heads to a shoot for an advertorial for Akademiks, an apparently really classy fashion line for girls who like to spell things with k's.

At the house, Bianca disses Lisa on her return, Sarah (remember her? She's the plus-sized model who keeps losing weight so she really is just a size 6 model?) continues her bitchy streak and then it's a commercial break.

Yay, it's this week's Cover Girl fake commercial with Jaslene, who loves her "lik-wit eye line-ah." Me too!

Back in the house, Tyra Mail! "When you're on top, never look down." Who could have imagined this clue would lead us straight into the BEST quote of the season?

The girls are whisked to the rooftop of the Union Hotel, where Jay Alexander lets them know they are going to be..."SUPER-DUPER HIGH FASHION GARGOYLES!"

Pause.

Mass eruptions of laughter. Not from the girls (who all nod like that sequence of words makes total sense) but in my apartment and in apartments all over North America where we are not so calorically deprived that dressing like "high fashion" gargoyles makes sense. I think they must have waited for Victoria to leave to do this shoot.

Turns out high fashion gargoyles look alot like Elvira but with a wardrobe that's Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome meets Matrix. Janet gets all worked up about her white panties showing, which I sort of love, because I just assumed all American women under the age of 25 had forsaken underwear, especially the kind that moms give out at Christmas. Ebony rocks her shoot, looking like a Whitney Houston dominatrix, but I kept wondering, what about this makes these girls gargoyles? They're standing on a table on the roof of a new hotel in sunny L.A. Shouldn't they be gripping the side of an old building, say, the New York Public Library, while Sigourney Weaver gets all possessed by ghosts inside?

Anyway, at the judging panel we get another nasty Tyra photo (what up?) proving why we don't use actual models as gargoyles on our public buildings. Nigel and Tyra are looking sexy in conservative duds, Twiggy looks harried and Miss J. is fro-diculous. Oh and Benny Ninja is back, again, acting like people still actually give a shit about voguing. Dude, even Madonna's lost your number, okay?

The most enlightening moment of the panel comes when we finally learn why Ebony chews her cheeks and puckers her lips when supposedly smiling: it turns out she thinks she has big gums! As soon as she smiles we see she's just a crazy insecure girl with normal gums and she immediately becomes ten times prettier. Yay! Ebony smiles!

Janet is predictably attacked for wanting to hide her underwear from the camera on the rooftop. Of course it is only now that she learns they could have photoshopped the undies out (although they didn't) and Janet looks suitably crestfallen.

Lisa has finally straightened her curls, Jenah looks like trailer trash with a thyroid problem (the kind that makes your eyes bulge) but as usual, she takes an amazing picture. I announce it now--Jenah is going to win this competition.

Heather continues acting annoying. Her voice is high and saccharine as she chirps, "Hi guys!" to the judges and then "Thank you!" after their comments. Maybe she has been studying the other girls and this is her alien attempt at emulation, but regardless. It totally creeps me out.

After we see the girls' shots, Tyra notes there is "one gar-girl who is going to be sent home."

Guess who? Bye, Janet. Tyra consoles her with the parting words, "I hope you continue to try to model." Uh, yeah. Good luck with that trying. Let me know how trying works out for you, Janet baby. Maybe I will try to go for a run tonight, or like, try not to and instead try to watch 5 consecutive hours of television without getting blurry vision.

Next week: A boy visits the house. Ahhghghghghgh!