First Melting Ice Caps, Now Drunken Brawls

This Boxing Day I ate chocolate and ham, popped open a button on the pants, and settled back to watch the holiday classic, Alien Vs. Predator.

Not being an expert in kick-ass alien politics, I was impressed that my initial inclination to support Predator was well-founded. The movie chronicles a battle between aliens, predators (who are also aliens but have dreads) and a couple of humans down in Antarctica.

Which turned out to be quite timely considering there was a REAL battle-royale taking place down in the REAL Antartica this Christmas.

Seems the rum and egg nog led to laboratory fisticuffs, a broken jaw, and emergency medivac.

ANTM: There is a Fate Worse than Winning

What happens to girls after they're booted from ANTM?

They go on to...deliver pizzas. Apparently failing out of ANTM has the same consequences as failing out of high school.

What's the weirdest part about it all is that the pizza delivery girl in question is Sarah from cycle 8, who you may or may not remember as the uptight 'professional photographer' who kept being reminded that she needed to stop overthinking her shots. Guess there wasn't much thinking going on after all.

Survivor China Loser Secretly Hiding on Rogers Site

So, this morning I discover that the restaurant around the corner from where I stayed in NYC, the very same restaurant I twice debated eating in, is the same restaurant where SJP was masticating this month. And apparently she was dishing on the new Sex and the City movie. Tragic.

But just as shit slips down the drain, so does fresh water flood in.

Much to my pathetic delight, when I was investigating Rogers Wireless packages an hour later, I discovered that the model in one of the stock photos on its site appears to be none other than Dave, from Survivor China!

It doesn't take much, folks.

Baby Bumps: Cool Accessory or Career Killer?

Should Nickelodeon fire their 16-year-old pregnant series lead Jamie Lynn Spears or will her pregnancy be worked into the ever-topical, hard-hitting series Zoey 101?

Check out the debate on The View.

Photo credit: Kevin Winter/ Getty Images

Unplanned Pregnancies are the New Uggs

Okay, so when did girls stop using birth control pills? You remember them, those little dots that take away cramps, clear up your skin and oh yeah, keep you from getting knocked up?

First the she-was-hot-before-she-lost-too-much-weight Jessica Alba confesses she's baking a bun in the oven with her on and off again boyfriend. Then coke-sniffing mediocre songstress Lilly Allen announces she's preggers. Now 16-year-old Britney sibling Jamie Lynn Spears admits she and her "long-time" boyfriend (snrk) are expecting.

In the good old days, random hook-ups didn't even require an exchange of numbers. Now scoring means stretch marks and post-partum. I feel for my single sisters.

Cera-iously Watchable

Who knew my lean-legged boy-crush had an online series? Who's ever heard on an online series? Gosh darn, Barnaby, that farnalged World Wide Web is so 2010.

For pure time-killing, dimple-spying check out Michael Cera's project, Clark and Michael.

And for wittier stylings and another opportunity to see Jason Bateman and Michael Cera on the same screen, check out Juno, the film that every critic has been touting for the past 8 weeks because our only other holiday options are The Golden Compass and National Treasure 2 starring Nicholas Cage's wickedly bad new 'do.

We still miss you Arrested Development.

ANTM Ends With Bangs, Not a Winner

After weeks of committed recaps of everyone's favourite show, I fell short of the finish line and denied you the catty thrill of reliving the ANTM finale.

I'm sorry.

Last Wednesday, while millions gathered round to watch Chantal, Jenah and Saleisha 'compete' for the top spot, I was biting my nails in the back of a Lincoln Town Car, willing the driver to mow down Manhattanites in order to get me to a TV.

I tuned in at the exact moment Jenah was handed the kiss of death and all will to blog was extinguished.

Yes, I watched the remaining 25 minutes and I even took notes, but now, a week later, who cares? The bowl cut won. Chantal came in second. The order of the universe has forever been undone.

I will note that I found the final runway competition totally slanted to favour Saleisha (short cute outfits versus the straitjacket of a dress Chantal had to shuffle along in) and Tyra's langorous runway saunter made me taste chunks in the back of my throat. But is any of this even remotely shocking?

When Heather left this season, it was like someone licked all the icing off the cake and then it turned out the cake was actually just a foam brick and even when you sucked on it, all you could taste was sponge.

Thank god for Christmas. By the time we all sober up it will be a new year and if the rumours are true, America's Next Top Model Cycle 10 begins late February.

Have a wonderful holiday, folks. And if you're so inclined, continue to check into this site for updates on all things entertaining and eye-roll inducing.

ANTM Recap: Hairballs Take Over the Great Wall

After the loss of Heather last week, I think we all fell into a slump. Work days dragged by slower, tears were quicker to flow and I was up 0.4 pounds at my Weight Watchers weigh-in.

Fine. Blame my period. But I still felt a pang when the girls arrive back at their Shanghai shack and find "Heather Mail." As Jenah reads the sweet sentiments aloud, Bianca rolls her eyes and admits not having Heather around isn't a big deal. Which is pretty much her karmic nail in the coffin but we'll get back to that later.

The girls are whisked off to Beijing, home of Mao watches and high...fashion. Kevin the tour guide shows the girls some sights but Jenah is too busy having a total mental breakdown to really appreciate the view.

When the girls arrive at a garden they are greeted by Twiggy and Miss J. who arrive in carriages being carried by weary men who look like they were taken from a nearby dungeon cell. The fearsome pair proceed to narrate the Chinese legend of the Four Beauties: Diaochan, Xi Shi, Yang Guifei and Whang Zhaojun. Metaphors are thrown out half-heartedly about fish drowning and the moon blushing and it's like, yeah, yeah, they're beauts, we get it.

The girls finally get to see their new digs where there is two beds and four outfits that looks like Chinese knock-off Disney costumes but are supposedly the garbs of the ancient Chinese beauties. The girls are given one hour and $200 to shop for accessories that will modernize their costumes.

So where do the girls do all their shopping in Beijing, mecca of world fashion? Aldo. Yeah, that Aldo.

Bianca tries to screw over Jenah by sending her on a wild goose chase and Jenah is pissed but all I can hear is the ominous thud of another nail in Bianca's coffin.

At the end of the hour the girls are greeted by a familiar schnoz, Ann Shoket, editor-in-chief of Seventeen. She says Bianca's strut is "a little too hip hop" which, if I had been standing behind her, would have compelled me to raise my eyebrows and shoulders like, "Hey, I have noooo idea what she's talking about. Uh, don't hurt me."

Jenah (who I will state again is the ONLY one remaining who deserves to win) kicks it on the catwalk and wins a couture Chinese dress for her and a pal (Chantal) and a private one-on-one walk session with Miss J. Oh, and by couture, they mean that Chinese dress that every white woman buys herself when she goes to Asia. Or Chinatown.

After Jenah's walking lesson, Tyra Mail lets the girls know they are going to be shooting on the Great Wall. But it gets even better because when they arrive, Mr. Jay lets them know that just like the Great Wall is famous, so is Tyra and surprise! She's taking your photos! Ni Hao! Crazy Tyra pops out from the Wall like David Copperfield and the girls all immediately stiffen like the warden's just arrived during lockdown.

The theme of this week's photo shoot is hair balls. As in, holy crap, this giant hairball was extracted from a teenager's stomach and I can't believe now the stylists are tying it to the top of the models' heads. Apparently this is some Chinese warrior custom, along with totally heinous make-up.

Chantal's shoot goes well but when Jenah arrives she admits to Tyra she is feeling like she has lost herself. Oh Jenah. Don't go telling your vulnerabilities to Tyra. That's like suggesting to your friend that you split up to search the old deserted mental hospital for your other pal. Bad. Idea.

Saleisha high jumps on the spot like some kind of Masi cow herder and Bianca sucks as usual (how did she make it this far??)

At the Judging Panel, the Visiting Nose competes with the Chia Pet Fro for total physical attribute dominance. It's a draw.

When Tyra calls Jenah up, her photo looks amazing (can anyone show me a bad photo she's taken?) but then Tyra innocently mentions that "Gee, she didn't even remember Jenah's shoot. It was like, gosh, she didn't even know who Jenah was." This inspires on-the-verge Jenah to burst into tears and admit again that she is feeling homesick and unsure of herself. But then she notes that her two little sisters need a good role model and that Jenah has to make it as a model for those poor, single-mothered little girls.

Now, at this point, I was like, Genius. The girl just worked a weak moment into a key branding moment--now she's the big sister hero. Unfortunately, the messaging falls on deaf ears because later when the judges talk in private, Tyra refers to Jenah's comments as her "swan song" and insist that she is probably one of those girls who will never hack it as a model. At this point I was actually starting to wonder if Bianca was Tyra's cousin the way Tyra was standing up for her to the other judges, but perhaps it was all just a red herring because in the end, not even Tyra could deny that Bianca had to go.

Tyra gives Bianca a nice pep talk, informing her that her future success in modeling will likely rest in her cousin, or brother, taking good snaps of her. Or like maybe she could go to the local Glamour Shots and get some snaps, eh?

Next Week: Season Finale!!

Oh and highlight of this week? Learning that Heather was once again voted Cover Girl of the Week--even though she is no longer on the show! Heather, by the way, is the only model in ANTM history to be voted audience favourite for this many consecutive weeks.

Heather Does the Interview Circuit

Yay! Heather has made it into the New York Times. That's a smart read, right?

In the article, we learn that folks with Asperger's refer to themselves as "Aspies," which may or may not also be the nickname of Aspen residents (I just made that up).

Heather comes across as exceptionally normal in her interview, although the journalist sets her up to be Dr. Demento. Like when she notes,

"Heather Kuzmich is just beginning her life as an adult with the disorder. And it is often painful to watch her transition from socially awkward adolescent to socially awkward adult."

Duh. Who doesn't have a bit of a 6" tall Aspie lurking inside of her?

And if one interview with Heather, isn't enough, here's more. At least there's a great Heather quotable in this interview:

Q. Were the go-sees in China very frustrating for you?

A. Yeah, they were. It's very hard to find anything in the city, and then I got rained on. Saleisha was the only one who had the umbrella. There was only one umbrella in that hotel, so she automatically got it because her wig would have turned into an afro if she didn't have it.

This little tidbit might lend credence to rumours that Saleisha is being slated to win...

More ANTM Rumours: Saleisha Slated to Win?

Conspiracy rumours are afoot. It appears that Saleisha has a bit more of a history with Miss Tyra than having pissed in one of her outhouses.

If she wins, I am going to buy her weave and wear it for a week in protest.