The Hypochondriac's Guide to Future Ailments: Alice In Wonderland Syndrome

In my second installment of Diseases it is Possible I Might One Day Suffer From (if I Don't Already) I present to you, Alice In Wonderland Syndrome.

It's likely I have always suffered a mild form of this syndrome, which affects one's visual perception by making things appear smaller or larger than they really are.

For most of my adult life the following have appeared disproportionately tiny to me: bottles of red wine, plates of rogan josh, my boobs; while other things (read: my ass) have seemed unfairly big. Perhaps my it's not my butt that's big but my awesomely named syndrome that's making me think it's big.

I also tend to see concrete barriers and guardrails as smaller than they are (hence the current bruise on my knee and the wicked black and blue I got during a famous shopping trip to Buffalo four years ago).

See, it's not that I'm clumsy. I'm afflicted.

The Hypochondriac's Guide to Future Ailments: Cushing's Syndrome

In the spirit of the dark paranoid days of winter, I am going to start a new series called Diseases it is Possible I Might One Day Suffer From (if I Don't Already).

This week's disease is Cushing's Syndrome.

I think it is likely I will one day get this disease because after reading the symptoms I suspect my paternal grandmother likely has it, albeit undiagnosed.

Cushing's Syndrome is complicated. Signs of Cushing's include central obesity, thinning stretched skin, big boobs and "psychological disturbances, ranging from euphoria to psychosis."

I have a natural predilection for weight gain and unmotivated episodes of rage, but my boobs are more tennis than tether balls. With this in mind, I give myself a 50:50 chance of contracting Cushing's.