Oh No She Didn't!

This week my theory of the-first-girl-who-speaks-on-camera-is-the-girl-going-home is put to the test. Ebony is shown first, complaining about the judges' criticism of her smile (I guess life-long gum insecurities don't just up and walk away). So I'm like, Ebony is going home.

But then we have a long shot of Ambreal crying to her daddy on the phone, being all like, pray for me, daddy and my ANTM senses start to tingle and I think, when they pull the pray card, girl for sure's going home.

Speaking of tingles, the doorbell announces the arrival of Tyson Beckford, all squinty-eyed and tatted up. Jennah's face when she answers the door is awesome. In fact, the breathless giggle-fest that ensues with all the girls is so contagious I found myself blushing.

Tyson asks the girls to be sexy and sell an object from the kitchen. (As if sex would sell a product. Duh.) So Ebony poses and asks the audience of girls to "buy this water heater-upper" which I guess is American for kettle.

Heather is told to make her wine glass pitch sexier, so she sidles up to Tyson and swoons, "This glass is fingerprint proof." Because nothing is hotter than thwarting those CSI dudes.

The nine girls are then whisked off to a studio where they are divided into three teams and asked to come up with a PSA for a charity whose current celebrity campaign is "I Am African." I love it. The first girl to run with the tag line is Sarah, who about three times proclaims proudly "I am African" to her teammates Ebony and Saleisha. I wish I had the balls to announce my African-ness to sisters.

The first team of Bianca, Chantal and Lisa can't remember their lines and Bianca's red make-up makes her look like a cannibal post-dinner. Heather, Jennah and Ambreal have placards that look like they belong to a homeless dude on the interstate. Team three, with Sarah, rocks its ad ("I AM African.") but misrepresent the purpose of the charity so team two wins and Heather--surprise--gets to be in a shoot art directed by Mary J. Blige (who was totally boring on camera, 'nuff said about that.)

Back at the house, the girls bake chicken fingers and pizza and cower together in the closet which is apparently the only warm room in the house. Having watched Law & Order: SVU the night before, I know that excessive air conditioning is used as a form of 'torture-lite' against suspected terrorists. Between that and the measly chicken finger each girl is allotted for dinner, I am starting to think the ANTM is a Guantanamo Bay for skinny chicks.

Not surprisingly, Ebony announces she wants to go home but no one seems to take her seriously. Even though they are nine adult women cowering in a closet sharing a total of 500 calories between them.

The next morning, the girls arrive at their shoot with Jay Manuel who lets them know they will each be representing a different recyclable material. The sets look pretty lame, pop cans strung up, or paper, or oil cans, but most of the girls, with the exception of Ambreal and Ebony (ahem) do fairly well.

Commercial break. The only thing that caught my attention this week is that ad for the new birth control pill that limits your period to no more than 3 days. The girl in the commercial goes, "What? You mean I could have gone to the beach?" Which still has me scratching my head. Why would having her period have prevented her from going to the beach? I mean, if she's progressive enough to take control of her fertility than I assume she doesn't presently squat over a dirt hole for 6 days to bleed. Thoughts?

Anyway, back at the house the girls go "Tyra Mail. Woo!" so half-heartedly that I can't help but recall Victoria's confessions last week that the girls are forced by the producers to squeal whenever Tyra is mentioned. It is time for the judging panel.

First we get a wickedly weird photo of Tyra with a water bottle (?) that says "Just Finish It." No idea.

But who cares? Nigel is looking tanned and extra-hot (even hotter than Tyson sitting next to him) and Miss J. is still fro-ing out. Tyra is dressed like she drove to the set in a Delorean and someone needs to brush Twiggy's hair for her. Tyra welcomes the girls to the "crazy judging room" but nothing crazy (at least from the judges) goes down.

Saleisha's photo with rubber looks totally hot, Jennah takes an awesome photo as always (said it before, she is going to take Heather down in the final two), Ambreal looks dead and Ebony has what is known in the industry as a "lip snarl."

Tyra tells the girls that after deliberation one of them will go "back" to the recycling bin. Which doesn't bode well for Tyra's understanding of where these girls came from.


The last two girls standing are, drum roll, Ebony and Ambreal. I am all like, Ebony is going to go, she was the first on camera. But then Tyra says her name and pulls her photo and immediately Ebony starts crying and says, "I don't want to be here."

Ewwww, girl. Tyra looks pissed! Seriously, if you pause on Tyra's expression you will see a portrait of pure, undistilled rage. In fact, does anyone know if Ebony is still actually alive? After quickly pulling herself together, Tyra spits out that there is nothing less attractive than a quitter. I swear this is a dig at Ebony's insecurities about her appearance and a last ditch attempt to completely crush her self-esteem. No wonder Ebony says she wants out of modelling.

Strangely, Tyra allows Ambreal, who she was just about to kick off, to stay, telling her it was Meant To Be, which is what you say to someone when you have nothing intelligent, insightful or original to say. Ugh.

Packing up at the house, Ebony confessed she just wants to go home and be happy again. "I don't want to feel like this anymore." There is something so honest and raw in her admission that my heart swells for her. Run, Ebony, run! We'll miss your skinny ass but you're right--a torture-free existence is more important than a shot at the cover of Seventeen Magazine.

Next week: Full-body reotards.