'Cause Tyra Loves It Crazy

The episode begins with catwalk practice and meow, the cat comes out in Bianca, when she advises Kimberly to make ridiculous faces while strutting her gams. Kimberly is all, Are you sure?
Bianca, using a long claw to slip back her purple bangs, is all like, Uh, huh. For sure.

Next the girls are gathered in bed, where Saleisha gets hissy for reasons I missed. I was too busy laughing at Bianca explaining, "I don't think you can teach a person how to walk." Um, yeah, Bianca. UNLESS THAT PERSON IS 2 YEARS OLD! (Which I am guessing is when kids learn to walk, I'm not really sure.)

The girls are then whisked off in the ANTM bio-bus to a scary abandoned hospital where there is a man wielding a chainsaw and Miss J. dressed up like Nurse Ratched in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Turns out the girls are going to have to get used to catwalking in straitjackets, because, you know, those Italians design ku-razy shit.

So the girls walk like, er, crazy, while all strapped in. Victoria mentions AGAIN how she is in university and yet, she finds walking hard. Janet works it, but looks surprisingly stocky in a straitjacket (I'm just saying).

Released from the mental ward, the girls head back to the house, where Bianca calls Saleisha (maybe a size 4?) a "borderline plus-model" which I imagine must be like the biggest diss you can give a wannabe model. Then Bianca starts referring to all the "biatches" in the house and refers to them as "biatches" about a dozen times and in a weird way, I am starting to find her charming. What can I say? The theme is crazy.

First commercial break: Two ads for Fisher-Price toys which makes me immediately (and I believe wisely) conclude the ANTM demographic is largely made up of moms. These ads are followed by one for crystal meth addiction, so I revise my hypothesis and have now determined the demo is meth-addicted moms, which means it is likely that at least 20 percent of my readers are high and have Cheerios stuck to their shirts.

Back to the show. Roy Campbell, last cycle's prom fashion show director, and designer, Colleen Quen, judge the girls' walks. In interview, Heather appears nervous about having to walk. "I have a hard time with my neck," she explains seriously. "It's hard to keep up." I can totally relate.

Now, despite my suspicions about Heather's autism (she again giggles and cries in this episode), I am definitely starting to see the 'tard in her. If you catch her in the background of group shots, her eyes are always sort of intensely staring at...nothing. She reminds me of this girl Lori-Ann who went to my middle school and who walked with a limp and always talked to herself without any self-consciousness. At the time, all the kids were like, Lori-Ann has cooties, but now, when I catch myself mumbling incoherently while standing in the dairy aisle, I think, Maybe we all have a little bit of Lori in us.

Anyhoo, Saleisha wins the catwalk competition and will get to go to Paris at some indeterminate time in the Future.

Second Commercial Break: Another fake Jaslene commercial! Yay! This time she is talking about hosting a fake show called "Cover Girl TV." As she explains, "Honust. Lee. I wus ner-vus."

More craziness ensues when the girls are told they will pose in haute couture while rock-climbing! Kur-azy! Victoria mentions for the fourth time this episode that she is a nerd (read: too smart for modelling). Ebony is looking Whitney Houston old, but otherwise the girls all do fairly well at the rope work.

Third Commercial Break: I checked my email.

The panel is back, as is Tyra's bad fashion choices for girls with boobs. I actually only like Pucci designs on girls so thin that you need the colourful swirls to distract from the bones. Otherwise, it just looks like psychedelic vomit to me.

It appears that Miss J.'s afro has grown an inch since last week, confirming my suspicion that each week he will add more hair until by the end he is a giant strutting 'fro. Heather is called up first, and we get to see her photo, which is sort of intense and creepy, and her art, which is definitely creepy. Tyra is all, wow, it's all about the eyes with you. And Heather stares at her intensely.

Sarah's photo is hot, Bianca's photo makes her look like a woman you would not want to encounter in a dark alley, and Nigel continues to be the hottest man on television. I'm sorry. I know he's a bad boy. He would be good in bed, but then he'd always be sleeping with models, and I would be heartbroken, but then he would kiss me, slowly, and I would catch the smell of his collar, a delicate mix of cedar and corduroy and sweat and then he would guide me towards... Sorry. I lost track and now we're into another commercial break.

Back at the elimination, Jenah is the first one called and she totally deserves it. Heather is next, and when she takes the photo from Tyra she smiles but she looks more like a leering pervert. Just like Lori-Ann did in grade 7 (we always said she has asthma, but maybe it was Asperger's!).

Kimberly is kicked off, so it looks like Bianca's early episode conniving may have paid off. This was another slightly dry episode--but next week should be good. It's MAKEOVER time!