Neon Paint, Vogueing and Arm Pit Hair? It's the 80s on ANTM!

Sigh. So, let's guess what this week's episode of ANTM offers. Fatima dissing other girls for being ghetto? Check. Dominique talking about her fabulous self in the third-person? Check. Marvita revealing even greater depths of self-defeatism? And check.

If anything, the girls this season are consistent. And so are the experts. Benny Ninja is back in all his 90 pounds of vogueing glory. He tells the girls it's all about the three Cs: Commercial, Catalogue and Couture. While it is never really clear to me what the difference is between commercial and catalogue (is it, like, the difference between print and television??) the girls seems to do well hamming it up in front of the little posing hobbit and his token supermodel sidekick Vendela.

Back at the loft, Dominique misses her scheduled phone time and it is totally Whitney's fault because she should have kept an eye on Dominique's time and told her since Dominique is a SINGLE MOTHER and can't possibly be responsible for something as intense as, well, keeping track of time. Since Whitney refuses to accept blame, Dominique calls her a "big brick wall who's racist." Huh? Whitney, who gravely notes that in the south you do not joke about racism, blows up. But as Dominique explains with calm insanity, "you can be racist against a red-headed white Catholic girl."

And this is why I hate people who speak of themselves in the third person: they are retarded.

Thankfully, the girls head off to Brooklyn, Lauren's territory, where they are greeted by a bunch of freakish club kid trannies who apparently drove their Back to the Future DeLorean all the way here from 1989. Dominique gives a knowing wink to the trannies, like, uh huh, these my peeps, while some of the other girls, like Stacy-Ann, seem terrified by the screaming hooting e-tripping boy/girls.

The girls are set up into two teams for a pose-off where Fatima takes the rather aggressive competitive stance of shoving her vadge in Whitney's face to one-up her. Nice try, but no love, as Whitney pulls out the splits. Buel-yeah! Of course, size 2 Vendela crunches her nose at the display of plus-size flexibility and suggests Whitney looks trashy. Apparently since her dye job, a number of people have told her she looks like Anna Nicole Smith. Yikes. But good for tranny judges.

In the end, the team with Claire, Marvita, Whitney, Katarzyna and Stacy-Ann wins and the girls get to go with Vendela to a swag tent where they can grab whatever they want. Since Claire is the best poseur, she wins a trip to Bora Bora. Oh, to be one of the beautiful people.

But it seems like an invite to the land of the lucky is not sitting well with Marvita, whose wavering self-confidence can only be assuaged by sucking back 45s with Lauren. She keeps mentioning how the loft is the nicest place she's ever lived, how the swag was free--free!--and how she's just not used to this in the ghetto. Meanwhile, Fatima glares at the beer-swigging Marvita and snips about how she's so "hood."

At this week's photo shoot, Mr. Jay has the girls wearing 80s punk glam visors and bright eyeshadow while getting cans of neon paint poured over their heads. Basically a couture version of You Can't Do That on Television.

While most of the girls do a good job not looking freaked while paint runs down their eyes, Whitney looks a little porno, Anya looks a little stunned and Marvita looks really sad. Dominique, unfortunately, kicks ass.

At panel, Vendela joins the under-used Paulina, the sparkly brow Miss J, the orange Nigel and the self-aggrandizing Tyra. Looking at the photos, the great scandal is that--gasp!-Fatima doesn't shave her pits! There are like 9 little soft hairs showing and Tyra is like, "you haven't shaved in months." What?

I shave every day and by noon my pits have a 5 o'clock shadow. 9 hairs? Then Nigel goes on about how retouching is expensive and a razor is cheap. Whatwhat? A razor is like $15. Each blade is like another $4 (which is why I am still scraping the same sorry ass razor over my legs that I bought in October). And from what I can tell, Photoshop is pretty damn cheap and basically used by every photographer anyway.

Well, after the trauma of the exposed arm pit hair, we learn that Lauren's heels are missing (damn trannies) and then Marvita's photo is revealed. Oh, Marvita. This photo might be the saddest photo ever taken on ANTM. You know those old velvet paintings of sad clowns with wilted flowers? Well, that's this photo. I burst out laughing and crying when it was revealed. That sad.

In the end, Whitney and Marvita are left standing and then Marvita is sent packing.

Next week: The whole house explains to Dominique that she's insane.