In Case It Wasn't Clear, Tyra Declares: Models Are Pieces of Meat

As this week's episode of ANTM started, I was startled into realizing just how fugly this season's makeovers are. I mean Anya looks like she just emerged from some sort of alien pod, and Dominique's new hair colour looks like it's still being set. What's up with the roots being lighter than the rest of her hair?!

Regardless of her appearance (and the fact that she was in the bottom two), Dominique says Tyra has put her on a "pedestal" and brags to the other girls that they'd best watch out. The girls politely roll their eyes before going back to ignoring her.

Back at the loft, the Tyra Ticker (props to Entertainment Weekly for the name) suggests the girls are off to the fire hall. And sure enough, the Fab Cab drops the girls off at the 5th Company Fire Hall, where Miss J makes her grand entrance by sliding down the fire pole like a real, er, pro.

The girls are given 90 seconds to dress up in weird firefighter uniforms/lederhosen, with high heeled duckies. It's all really wrong, but it's more wrong for Fatima who leaves her own shoes own and is scolded by Miss J for the oversight. BTW--How obvious is it that Miss J cannot stand Fatima!

The hall's men are invited to gather round and watch the girls do a runway walk-off. Claire kicks butt, Fatima walks like she's wearing leg braces, and Amis skips because it "makes her feel good." Despite the antics, the whole scene made me really uncomfortable. The fact that the women are dressed like calendar girls (and are being eyed at close range by a bunch of firefighters) made it more Maxim than Top Model .

Back at the loft Aimee calls the shower, Fatima, Marvita and Dominique get all pissy for no reason (there are apparently three bathrooms in the loft, making the ratio of bathrooms to girls about the same as beds to girls) and Aimee admits her big issue (no public nudity). Wow, these girls' causes just get more and more intense.

Since Whitney stands up for Aimee, Dominique and Fatima decide to hate her and Dom calls her "white trash" which is interesting in light of the fact that apparently next week she accuses Whitney of being a racist...a little projection anyone?

The Fab Cab delivers the girls to an old church where they are doing a Tuleh Designs fashion show for whatever weirdos show up to watch ANTM runway shows. The girls must dress themselves within 3 minutes, while our old ANTM darling Jasleeeeeene and Seventeen Magazine nose-in-chief Ann Shoket watch on. (Let's not even talk about the ridiculous Lohan peace-out that Shoket gives the girls as she leaves backstage.)

In the chaos of self-dressing (what is otherwise known by the rest of the world as simply, um, dressing) there is the inevitable exposed runway nipple, ass cheek, and button mishap. Yes, Fatima buttoned up her sweater incorrectly, which she gets 'dressed down' for but I get it, man. Most days the sides of my shirt are ribbed in white deodorant, my underwear rides above my jeans, my boots are covered in salt and my hair has bits of last night's if-I-eat-it-in-the-kitchen-it-doesn't-count snack in it. All things considered, these girls did a fairly decent job of dressing themselves.

The best dresser, however, is Katarzyna, the girl with the name that is never pronounced the same way twice. She gets to pick two friends (Amis and Marvita?!) to do an advertorial with her and Jaslene for Lot 29. Meanwhile, Lauren is in tears because Jaslene told her she looked like she didn't want to be a model (ouch).

At the loft, the Tyra Ticker spells out the first meat pun of many when it asks if the girls have the "chops." That's right, they are off to the Meatpacking District where apparently some meat is still being packed and not every space is an overpriced theme restaurant/club.

The girls walk into a meat fridge and warily eye the hanging carcasses. Of course leave it to the only model who is a healthy weight to note, "I eat steak. It wouldn't be so bad to put it on." But while Whitney is willing to strap on a pair of beef panties, the rest of the skinny chicks look like they're going to gag. Mind you, the meat bra and halter tops and panties are really nasty looking (and I am sure they felt even worse against skin).

Turns out the threat of salmonella was just what Lauren needed to bring out the model in her. Claiming she just imagined being Leatherface from Texas Chainsaw Massacre, she grips a meat hook and scares the shit out of the photographer, making for an awesome photo.

At judging panel, sleepy Amis looks like an American Apparel-ed Axel Rose and is told to take off her ridiculous headband (now if only we could get them banned from babies!). Although, if we're going to talk about shit head gear, I am not sure why no one is addressing the fact that Fatima's weave looks like a cheap-ass Halloween witch wig. I mean, it is sad.

Checking out the pictures, Whitney's photo makes her look like a smoking hot Jennifer Jason Leigh, Claire looks all angle-y, Anya looks like an editorial model and Aimee looks disgusted by all the flesh.

As the judges discuss the girls, Nigel notes that Anya "looks like chopped liver in front of you and prime rib in pictures." Again, the judges make fun of Katarzyna's Eastern European/sleazy look.

Tyra hands out the photos but stops when she gets to Katarzyna and makes totally gross and awful sex noises to explain what the judges think of her. She then suggests she wear her hair in a bun next week, I guess to look less, "uuh, uh, uhhuh."

Fatima and Amis are in the bottom two and then Amis and all her wackiness are gone. As she packs up at home she sighs, "I'm so grateful. I got to be a part of something bigger than myself." She seems so genuinely happy that I wish I could spend a day with her brain. I bet it would be like an NFB animated short from the '70s.

Next Week: The tiniest little Ninja returns.