From Big Box Stores to Big Backed Barbies: The Tragedy That is ANTM

So this week's episode begins with some serious horn-tooting from Dominique (who I have decided is not a Robin Wright Penn drag, but a Jada Pinkett drag [otherwise known as a Dragga Pinkett]) and Allison. Allison reminds us AGAIN that she's modelled in Asia, in Tapei, Shanghai, Thailand and a bunch of other places where our clothing is made in sweat shops. Wonder who's gonna be in the bottom two...

Fatima, the resident passo-agressor, lets Allison know that her ass is bigger than Fatima's, or at least because Allison is overall a lot bigger, it gives the impression that her ass is bigger. Allison zings back with the "I had an eating disorder, how dare you," which is similar to Marvita's "I was raped, how dare you" of the first episode. I am not sure if this season is about personal causes as much as it's about personal issues which, while normally I find saliciously appealing, I hate being used instead of witty retorts.

The electronic Tyra board lets the girls know it's time to get prepped, so the Fab Cab whisks them off to a suburban Walmart. They are greeted there by Cover Girl reps who tell them their challenge is to quickly apply their own make-up. Oh, and it turns out that the face of the winner of this season will appear on a Walmart display for $6.95 mascara. Ew, glamourous. Glamorous, glamorous. (I'm singing the Fergie song).

In the end Fatima looks ashy, Allison looks trampy and Claire wins for technique and well, just being really pretty. Her prize--she's going to appear on Walmart.com. O-R-O-U-S.

Back at the loft, more self-righteousness. Claire argues that as mothers, her and Dominique have more invested in winning. Amis is all buggy-eyed, yeah, I bet moms really do have more responsibilities. But then Dominique is all, yeah, but I'm a single mom, so I have the most invested.

While that mildly annoying conversation takes place, another more horrifying interaction is unfolding. Allison, who apparently travels with Barbies, pulls them out and starts packing Kleenex in the bottom of the black Barbie because she's "black, so she needs more junk in her trunk!" Allison says this in a high baby voice like, "Barbie tired! Barbie needs sleep!" Whitney is sort of half-playing along at this point, vaguely aware that Fatima is in the room, voicing her annoyance.

Allison continues. Being the voice of the black Barbie she mews, "I like to take it in the back because I'm black."

Uh, WTF?

At this point Whitney sort of rolls away uncomfortably and Fatima (quite rightly) explodes. Meanwhile, I was waiting for some security guard to come and escort Allison out of the loft and onto a direct flight to Chang Mai.

Is it just me or is this season just a little too grim? Maybe I miss the sunlight and warm weather of LA. Maybe it's the gritty new black and white opening. Or maybe it's the fact that these girls this season all seem to be selected for their seriously fucked up natures rather than modelling potential. Sigh.

With a heavy heart I watch the girls get transported to the Stephen Knoll salon for makeovers. Too many girls are dyed plantinum blond, while a small "Tyravision" box at the bottom of the screen features Tyra maniacally imitating the girls as she narrates what changes she's secretly instructed the salon to do.

Smoking hot Whitney goes blond and looks sort of dumpy. Anya looks like an Albino Celine Dion. Claire gets clipped and goes white blond. Allison goes from Gossip Girl to Desperate Housewife. And Stacey-Ann looks like she got shaved by the nurse who checks for head lice. The only obvious makeover winners are Marvita and Fatima, who cries during her weave but then claims the long locks bring out her "East African-ness."

Next morning the girls are driven to the harbour where they find Elle MacPherson and her lingerie line waiting for them inside a boat. George Holz is going to photograph the girls in lingerie with the Brooklyn Bridge as a backdrop! How appropriate for a freezing cold morning in NY!

In the brief moments that she appears on camera, Elle comes across as warm, maternal, sincere and graceful. Plus, during the shoot, she is wearing what look like the coolest pair of Ray Bans ever.

Instead of just hawking her line, Elle takes the time to try and counsel every girl on how to take good pictures. While most girls seem thrilled by her attention, when she gets to Allison, she's too busy posing in the mirror and bragging about her modelling experience in Asia to listen to Elle. Um, oops.

Most of the girls look awkward and unprofessional balancing on the bow of the ship, although Marvita works her new horse do with a gentler confidence.

Back at the loft, Allison and Dominique brag about kicking ass on their shoots...

At juding panel, the crew look like a bunch of freaks. Nigel is orange (even Tyra asks him where the tan is from), George Holz the photographer looks like a creepy pervert, Miss J is wearing sparkly eyebrows that remind me of that raver NY kid that ended up killing his friend and being portrayed by Macaulay Caulkin in that movie that was supposed to mark Macaulay Caulkin's adult acting break-out, and Paulina looks more Paula Abdul than high fashion.

Most of the photos look mediocre and Tyra tells Whitney that she was pissed that the stylist wrapped up the plus-size model in a corset. "I wanted to see your booty," she says. "You got booty like I got booty." She also tells Allison she likes her new look and Allison smiles and nods. Nigel pipes up, "Aren't you going to say thank you?" like he's appalled that the great Tyra was not addressed more formally. Allison continues to smile and then weirdly winks and if you follow the trajectory I think she was winking at Miss J which is just...wrong.

After the girls leave, Tyra grabs Nigel and Miss J's hands and forces them on her ass. "Feel my booty" she says about, well, three times too many and Nigel goes from orange to red. Even I feel sorry for him.

Going through the girls, Holz says he thought Dominique was someone's mom, Paulina knocks Kataryzna as looking "mail order bride" and Miss J describes Anya's mysterious Hawaiian accent as sounding like someone "on sleep medication with a Jamaican accent." Ha!

No surprise, Allison and Dominique are in the bottom two. Dominique is told she is safe and is going to get her hair recoloured while Allison is told she needs to learn two words: Thank. You.

As Miss J rips off Allison's panty liner label from his chest, she bursts into tears and I feel...relieved. I am glad she's off the show because her narcissism and cruelty actually scared me. And racism is not cool.

Good luck in Taipei!

Next Week: More Fatima drama and a runway lesson at the firehall. Please God, let there be some light!