Feel the Pain: Another Week of ANTM

This week we begin by cruising in the Fab Cab post-panel, where Aimee is just really surprised y'all about all the compliments she got on her glowing skin. Oh the epidermal benefits of a Mormon lifestyle...

Back at the loft it is quickly apparent that just as Claire's breast milk is drying up, so is her patience. Unable to deal with Dominique's beeping alarm clock, she calls Miss Dom a "shady bitch." It seems a little heavy, especially for 6 in the morning, but these are grown women sleeping in bunk beds.

The fight continues into more civilized hours, as Dominique yells back at Claire and suggests that if Claire calls Dominique a bitch, she probably calls her husband a bitch (it will be years before anything will be created to span the distance in that gap in logic). Claire gets all "why you bringing up my home life?" and then, with finger wagging, goes for the gut. "At least I have a husband." Burn. Except that Dominique seems sort of totally oblivious to the apparent attack on her single motherhood status.

Lauren and Whitney jump in with their own variations on "shady bitch." Lauren calls Dominique "fucking crazy" and Whitney just blabs something inane and cheerleader-ish.

But enough of the petty arguing. It's Tyra Time. As the girls pull out in the Fab Cab, the driver's divider window draws down to reveal Miss Tyra behind the wheel. She pretends she's the one who has actually been driving them around, which leads me to wonder if that will be her next big undercover assignment (In the spirit of hard-hitting investigative journalism, Tyra's already gone in cognito as a man, a poor person, and a fat person. Why not a middle-of-the-road person?)

The girls are directed up to a dance studio where they put on red long johns and get further runway strutting and posing instructions from Tyra (who is wearing a black body suit and what appears to be a leather girdle).

According to Tyra, it is all about "posing with pain." She instructs the girls to pose as if they have what appears to be carpal tunnel, spina bifida and then period cramps. Because nothing says couture like a swollen belly and a sudden hatred for all mankind.

The highlight of the training is Tyra mocking Lauren by doing a crack walk shuffle. Having spent years studying the variations of this shuffle, I can assure you that Tyra has a good crack walk. She just needs to work on her paranoid back-spin a bit.

Back at the loft the girls learn the training was actually a contest, and Anya won for best pose with pain. Anya is very excited because she wins a photo shoot with Nigel Barker. As Anya talks about Tyra and Nigel's greatness I realize I know exactly where I have heard her accent before. It's not Hawaiian--it's Derek Zoolander's accent! It's uncanny! I wonder if she actually studied it or if she was just born with it.

Anya's photo shoot get her nude and rolling around on a bed with Nigel looking on somewhat lecherously. But I have to admit, the photos look amazing.

When Anya returns and gushes about her nude shoot, Aimee brings up her never-nudeness again and admits she's relieved she didn't win the prize. Apparently good Mormon skin is covered-up Mormon skin.

Meanwhile, Lauren, Whitney and Claire decide to camp out in the bedroom when Dominique is trying to sleep. They gossip about her with increasing loudness the more urgently Dominique begs them to go to another room to talk about her. It's at this point that I actually have to side with Dominique. I mean, we have all been victims of the bitchy girl posse (albeit in grade seven) and it really isn't cool to gang up on people, even if they are shady bitches. As for Claire, I sort of expected more from a nursing mommy.

The next day the girls are taken to their shoot in Williamsburg, where they are shot by Russell James and dressed in various music-inspired fashions.

Fatima is heavy metal, Claire is old-style country (she looks like a Hee Haw extra), Whitney is grunge and Lauren is pop, although her red and black PVC outfit is more appropriate for a trannie hooker. Dominique is dressed in a folksy outfit with headband and looks so hideous that I actually gasped when I saw her.

But during panel, the judges continue to pretend that Dominique is not the fugliest ANTM contestant ever and she actually gets compliments on looking like the scariest possible byproduct of Sonny and Cher. The judges also conveniently continue to ignore Stacy-Ann's totally cheesy catalogue look, perhaps because they are too busy being awed by how hot (and by hot they mean the opposite of Eastern European sleaze) Kataryzna looks in her Emo photo with short hair. Tyra tells her a pair of scissors will be visiting her at the loft next week.

Whitney ranks first for her pic and Claire and Aimee are in the bottom two. This is ridiculous considering every other week these girls have taken great photos. For some reason the judges have had something against Aimee from the start and now it's time for her to take her modesty and get the hell out of dodge.

Next Week: The fashion world tells Whitney her size 10 body is too big and I feel mounting shame about all the chocolate I've been eating.