If It's Yellow Let it Mellow, If It's Brown Flush it Down

So The Biggest Losers are not such big losers this week...

The episode begins with the Hall of Truth, which is actually three screens of shame. Each team gets to watch their previously filmed fat selves speak lightheartedly about how many fried chickens and steaks they'd typically eat in a week while horrifying sums of their yearly fat intake are displayed and narrated by a robot woman. If Hal had a girlfriend, she would sound like this voice-over.

The brown team (which is comprised of the only brown couple on the show) get me balling early on in this episode as they watch themselves on the screens of shame. Both husband and wife sob and hold each other, as they keep repeating, "We're killing ourselves with food." Oh, the horrible irony!

During workouts, Neil on the white team is picked on by the others for his laziness and whining, while I think he should be picked on for his totally lame-ass tattoos which are not even fat motorcycle dude tats but lame skinny white boy arm bands. Yeck.

Fortunately Gillian, who is both terrifying and gorgeous, screams at Neil, berates him and then sneaks him outside for some sly psychotherapy. She tells him she knows he's been hiding behind the fat and that he's scared to come out. And in seconds she breaks him and he's in tears and you just suddenly know Neil is going to start kicking butt. At least this is what I hoped as I wiped away my tears for the second time this episode.

There's a see-saw challenge that infantilizes the teams, which isn't hard because sometimes obese people look like little kids but instead of being starfishes bundled in snowsuits they're starfishes bundled in fat. And I sort of felt bad for everyone involved because the teeter-totter landings looked ass-crippling. In fact due to butt injuries, the grey team footballers give up early on and the black team brothers win.

The prize is calling cards which the black team get to share with three other teams. The brothers choose the folks with young kids which makes no sense to me since when the kids get on the phone they're all like, heeeey, googoo, sploink, byyyyye. At least give it to the girl on the blue team who is stuck with a total stranger and would call her BFF to dish about all the people on the show.

The second challenge of the week is a Temptation Challenge. Tables of ribs, wings, chips and sweets are laid out and folks are told that whoever consumes the most calories wins $5000. However, the teams are split up so they can't know what their partner will choose to do.

Chubbs on the yellow team stupidly announces that he's gonna eat 900 calories so dude on the black team is like, hm, (temple scratch) I think I'm gonna eat 901. Which is basically what goes down and they're the only two that eat for money whereas brown momma scarfs 250 kj worth of plain M & Ms. Actually, watching her pop them in her mouth after seeing her cry about how she hates how much she eats made me feel really sad for her. She didn't even look that happy to taste chocolate.

Overall, everyone sucked at weigh-in but the yellow team and brown team sucked the most. And chubbs on the yellow team gave a sob story about how he's going to die in 2 years if he doesn't lose weight whereas the brown team takes the noble route of hoping their efforts speak for themselves.

As usual, style wins over substance, and the self-serving divorced yellowers stay while my favourite team gets booted. Boo.

Now, for my own loser status, I just got back from Weight Watchers and I am down 0.8 pounds, which was pretty much the women's average at Biggest Loser campus and all I did was an hour-long belly dancing class before weigh-in. Oh yeah, and I didn't drink water and dropped a deuce. Whatever works.