ANTM: I See Scary Girls

So far this season, American Idol and America's Next Top Model have taught us one thing: Puerto Ricans are cool, but not cool enough.

Both series have had spirited P.R.'s as top thirteen finalists, and both were the second contestant eliminated. Maybe it's because none of us are sure exactly how Puerto Rico fits into the American political landscape. Is it a state? A dominion? It's own independent country? We know it's hot and sunny and we'd all like to be there right now, but would we pay for our tropical drinks with American dollars?

In a refreshing twist of sincerity, this season of ANTM has decided to forgo any pretense of looking for genuine model material (was this ever the objective?) and just cast a bunch of weirdos. How else to explain Allison, the bug-eyed blood lover who was named winner of the first photo shoot? I keep waiting for a giant lizard tongue to snap out of her mouth to snag a fly.

Also, has anyone caught the ANTM casting call for next season? Tyra is looking for models...under 5"7. Because there is such huge demand in Milan for designer dwarfs??

You know Tyra is just looking for a way to combine midgets, high heels and a slippery cat walk. I called it here first!

ANTM Recap: The Future is Here

Watching the premiere of America's Next Top Model was sort of like getting a glimpse of the future and having it confirmed that reality television really will be responsible for the downfall of civilization.

Sort of terrifying and sort of mesmerizing in the campiest of all possible ways.

Cycle 11's opening episode is all about the future, which is also confused with martians, models and translucent rain coats. It begs so many questions:

Why was Miss J given the title Alpha J while Mr. Jay was relegated to the Beta second fiddle? Is this Tyra's attempt to further emasculate a man already forced to wear silver lame and white pants?

Why must the judges beam in and out of every shot like a triage of drag Captn. Kirks? Which leads to...

Why is the future of modelling so unbelievably fugly? White/grey hair, ill-fitting cruise wear for men, wetsuits for women?

Despite the rocking outhouse called the Glaminator 11.0, ANTM is alllll about ham this cycle. And not the ham that gives you listeria but rather the type of ham that offers Tyra-rific performances including:

Tyra as a moose
Tyra as a robot
Tyra as a humanitarian (did you know she has white friends?)

Of course, Tyra has got some semi-finalists competing for the crazy crown. Front runners include Marjorie (think Woody Allen disguised as a blond French Amelie), Elina (she's the girl in third year university who made you contemplate your bisexuality until she started rambling about animal liberation and then you suddenly realized her breath stunk of vegan halitosis and you stopped going to your philosophy class)and Clark (Southern hostility and a mannish face that the judges inexplicably keep describing as pretty).

The least crazy pair are Ultimate Fighter McKey, who took her hair style from Run Lola Run and Isis, the first transgendered contestant on the show. Isis is serious and gangly and looks like an awkward boy in a bathing suit, but she's so badgered and abused by most of the other girls (especially Clark and Hannah Alaska) that I hope she makes it to the finale.

I am also loving Sheena, a hot Sandra Oh channelling 50 cent.

Marjorie's photo ends up on top, and some girl who we don't care about because it's too early, is eliminated.

Next week: Elina converts Clark to the bi-side and Hannah Alaska is accused of racism. Scandal!

America's Next Top Model Premieres Tonight

Yes, Tyra is back. It's like we hardly had a chance to miss her.

Cycle 11's two-hour premiere unleashes its beastly self this eve. As you most likely already know, this season promises to be more scandalous than ever before because, great balls of fury, there's a transgendered contestant.

Actually, I am not sure if the bits have been snipped from the bob, but you know that won't stop Tyra from repeatedly upstaging the trannie. She will probably also use the she-man to belittle the rest of the starving gazelles by pointing out how s/he is ten times more feminine than them.

Since I will be at pre-natal class, I won't be able to recap the show until Friday.

Tyra Nominates Herself First Lady

In a creepy display of narcissism and idol-worshipping that even by Tyra's standards are over-the-top, Ms. Banks is in this month's Harper's Bazaar posing as Michelle Obama.

The photos are a terrifying display of Tyra's posing dictum: Look Angry.

Check out Harper's to see Tyra look like an angry madwoman reading to fearful children, an angry madwoman dressed in Harvard sweats post-coital and an angry madwoman pulling out her earring in order to stab her child with it.

Scary.

Whitney Small, Big and Bigger

It seems that ANTM winner Whitney Thompson keeps growing right before our eyes.

The 'plus-sized' model admitted to being a size 10 on the show, but in her July Seventeen Magazine spread, she claims to be a size 14.

Then there are these pics circulating around the internet of Miss Whitney looking like a trim size 4 or 6. According to Whitney, these photos were taken when she was in high school.

Funny, seeing as I distinctly remember Whitney offering quite the sob story about teased all her life for being big...Wonder if the branding was her idea or the producers?

Fat is the New Black: The Surprising Finale to ANTM

From 14 girls to 3: Whitney, Fatima and Anya.

While I would like to brag that I knew exactly where last night's season finale was headed, when the episode started I was like, it is so obvs that Anya is the only real contender.

What I was not taking into account is that reality and America's Next Top Model have always had a tenuous relationship at best and never, ever, in the history of the show has anyone with actual model looks (with the exception of Caridee) ever won.

The first challenge of the episode is a Cover Girl commercial and print ad shoot that will appear in Walmarts! And Times Square! (which for those of you who have not been to NYC recently is like a big outdoor Walmart with lots of flashing lights.)

Saleisha (last season's winner) arrives to remind us how doggy Fatima is while Anya breaks down in tears in the make-up chair. With her increasingly adorable Zoolander accent she sighs, "Modelling is my passion. My desire." (Water is the essence of life...)

The girls all provide painfully stilted performances for their commercials, while everyone's print ad looks pretty hot.

At judging panel, Tyra says Anya's commercial is a "train wreck but in pieces, it's the best commercial."

Again, I was screaming out, "Just give the $100,000 modelling contract and Seventeen Magazine cover to Anya!" Little did I know...

Now, I was certain the final two would be Fatima and Anya. But, to be fair to myself, I didn't know the Seventeen cover shoot would include a July 4 Independence Day theme, replete with giant American flag. If I had known this, I would have known that the Ethiopian Muslim who wants to be an advocate for victims of clitoris-removal would not be heading to the final two.

Yes, Fatima is kissed off, in order for All-American blond Whitney and Aryan Anya to run off gleefully to their final photo challenge (see above).

The fashion show runway-off between the two finalists is easier than any we've seen in previous seasons (think Chinese stilts, 5km long Thai boardwalks, water-submerged runways). The girls are told they are to walk in a Versace fashion show.

Except that when we get there, it is pretty clear that this is just an ANTM runway show that has simply borrowed Versace dresses. I mean, Mr. Jay is the show director, the ANTM make-up folks are doing the make-up, and the judging panel gets to walk down the runway like royalty before the show begins (oh, and there is an audience of like, 30 people who look like they thought there was going to be free booze at the event.)

Anya sort of flakes out on the runway, looking more tired than ethereal, and Whitney clomps the planks like a Clydesdale in bubble gum pink.

At panel I thought the judges were simply going through the motions to make it look like Whitney has a chance. Since day one, with her thousand "she has a pretty face" comments, it has been pretty clear that Paulina is totally disgusted by Whitney's 'massive' size 10 frame. But Paulina wasn't called out by the tabloids earlier this year for looking dumpy in a one-piece (remember the candid Tyra shot which revealed, gasp, that she had woman-thighs?)

In fact, I should have been more in tune with what Tyra's agenda on her talk show has been all year (girl power, real-sized women and talking about sex in a way that puts you off wanting to have it). Modelling? Who cares?

Despite a strong effort by Nigel (who notes, Anya is "an educated model" hehehe) Whitney is the next ANTM winner who will slide off into oblivion until she is called back into action next season as a visiting guru on what it's like to be an unemployed model.

Because while Anya may have been high fashion, Whitney is Walmart and in the end, that's as good as this show gets.

Next Season: Tyra breaks more modelling boundaries by insisting a midget can look as good in cut-off jean shorts as Kate Moss.

Miss J: Je Suis Fatigue, Aussi

So I was away for a couple of weeks and I missed two recaps but when all is said and done, do we care?

The 'A' in ANTM clearly stands for Anya, who is the only one of the remaining four girls who has the right size, gender, and complexion to be a model.

Is it just me or does Fatima looks like a before-shot for Proactive?

Sigh. So I will keep this recap short since the only moment of awesome happened during judging panel.

Fatima, Whitney, Dominique and Anya are in Rome. They are challenged to take pictures of Paulina and it turns out that Fatima is far less annoying behind the camera than she is in front of it.

Since she wins, Fatima earns 50 extra frames at the photo shoot the girls do later on with Nigel Barker.

Most of the episode is consumed by the very bored girls trapped in their loft whining about one another. Much more Big Brother than ANTM.

Anyway, Nigel and Mr. Jay direct the girls for their night shoot, which pairs them with Italian male models, and dresses them (the girls) as '50s starlets.

Every girl is a bit of a disaster on her shoot, but Anya still looks hot in her photo, despite looking like a bad Madonna impersonator in her heavy eyeliner.

At judging panel, Whitney and Dominique show up wearing matching all-black outfits with big shiny belts (now the showdown at the house when they realized they were matching would have been worth seeing) but Dominique is schooled by Tyra for looking ghetto.

When the panel is left alone to judge the girls' fates, Miss J continues his ongoing anti-Fatima campaign by fanning himself with her photo and sighing, "Je suis fatigue."

Checking out Dominique's photo (and how Miss J loves his big old trannie) he announces, "That's why it's called Cover Girl. Because it covers up the man in you."

However, Dominique needs more than make-up to hide her balls and she's sent packing back to the U.S. where she is likely eating candy and talking about herself in the third person.

Fatima is saved from the chopping block once again. Oh, poor Miss J. May you get your wish next week!

Runways and Chopping Blocks

There was so much promise with last night's episode of ANTM. A refugee scrambling for travel documents? A punk chopping her thumb off? Anya posing nude for more photos, despite recent protests against her earlier nude shoot? Does it get any better than this?

I hope so, because this season of ANTM has been ho-hum,and last night's episode was kinda hummmmmmm (that's the sound the machine makes when you die).

The episode opens with Stacy-Ann eating an apple with two hands like it's a half-rack of ribs. I guess in the model world a whole apple is the equivalent of a meat platter.

Paulina shows up at the loft to teach the girls how to schmooze at parties and conduct themselves in interviews. This amounts to her insulting every one's personality and leaving.

Left to her own devices (and a sharp knife) Lauren slices off the tip of her thumb and is taken to the hospital. Meanwhile, Fatima is on the phone with one of the show's producers, trying to find out if the consulate will give her the traveller's documents she needs to be able to leave the country (the girls seem to be aware that they are heading abroad soon).

That night, with Lauren freshly bandaged, the girls are dressed in Jay Godfrey dresses and asked to work the 'green' carpet at a rebranding party for 7-Up (hey, it's all natural lime and lemon flavours now!)

Shockingly, Anya Zoolander is the most articulate and poised one of the bunch. Yes, feel free to re-read that last sentence.

Whitney comes across as both obnoxious and airheaded, Stacy-Ann isn't half as natural as a can of 7-Up, and none of the other girls really get camera time. Oh, except for Dominique, who on the green carpet, tells the cameras that she is wearing a dress by designer "Jay...Georgio."

For Anya's schmoozing, she gets to model in a new 7-Up ad, naked except for a bunch of citrus laid across her. She also gets paid $10,000 for the gig. Damn.

Back at the loft, the girls quickly dismiss Anya's fortune, and focus on packing their bags. The Tyra Ticker has told them to be packed and ready first thing in the morning. At the same time, Fatima get a call that she is to be at the consulate at 9am to meet about her traveller's documents.

Before the sun is up, the girls are zipping off in a limo to the airport. They're all packed and pumped to find out where they're going. But surprise! Mr. Jay is waiting in front of a private jet to let them know that they aren't flying to warmer climes, they're posing all day on the windy cold-ass tarmac. Nice!

Fatima confesses to Mr. Jay that she has to head back into the city to go to the consulate and Jay acts shocked, as if none of the producers were at all privy to this meeting that was set up...by the producers. As Fatima slinks off, the remaining girls get outfitted in 40s travel outfits and take turns each being the 'lead' model in round after round of photos.

At the end of the day, the frozen models stagger into a hangar and are amazed to find the judging panel set up and waiting for them. Turns out there is going to be an immediate elimination.

Fatima rushes in breathless, and again, Tyra acts mortified and utterly shocked that Fatima was off getting travel documents that were arranged by the show for her to get.

But perhaps the most perplexing part of the judging panel is that despite posing for 6 hours and taking turns stepping out front and centre for the camera, the girls are all ultimately judged on the basis of how they appear in two photos. I mean, Tyra pretends they're different pictures by announcing gravely to each girl, "This was your best shot" but the same damn photo keeps getting shown. And it's actually a crap photo. And how did it get developed so quickly. Is there a one-hour photo place at La Guardia?

Tyra criticizes the girls for their lack of social skills at the lame-ass 7-Up party, and mimics Whitney's pageantry airs by giggling "I'm Miss America. I want to save the world and the Iraq." Hehe.

Since Fatima has no photo she is judged on the basis of her body of work. And her and Stacy-Ann are in the bottom. And even without a photo, Fatima stays and Stacy-Ann goes.

With abject cruelty, Tyra tells the remaining girls that they're going to Rome. (Sorry Stacy-Ann). Oh, but that private jet behind Tyra? That's just for the judging panel because they're famous and the girls? Well, not so much. Tyra cackles as she lets them know they'll be flying "commercial." Ciao.

Next Week: Dominique proves as inept in Italian as she is in English.

How Can Size 10 Make You a Plus-Sized Model if Plus-Sized Clothing Starts at Size 16?

If you haven't caught an episode of this season's America's Next Top Model, it will take watching five minutes of last night's airing for all to be revealed.

Here's how is breaks down: Dominique is crazy. Fatima is crazy. Lauren is crazy. Claire might be crazy, but we're not sure. Stacy Ann is crazy. Anya is albino crazy. Whitney is the token plus-sized model and always told she has a pretty face. Kataryzna is Eastern European and constantly mocked for this by the judge's panel (who apparently believe all Eastern European girls look like sluts).

Oh, and Tyra is crazy and everyone hates everyone.

Caught up?

So, the eight remaining girls are divided into two teams and sent off on Go-Sees with the assistance of a Sprint GPS system. Since Manhattan was built on a grid, and all go-see locations are within walking distance, the product placement is totally redundant. It actually confuses the girls who hold the Sprint phones out in front of them like divining rods instead of, you know, reading street signs.

Team One is Lauren, Anya, Fatima and Kataryzna. Team Two is Claire, Whitney, Dominique and Stacy Ann. Whitney is told that her size 10 body would be unacceptable for Pamella Roland's runway and I immediately decide I hate the line. However, when Team One arrives, Fatima is told her size 0 frame is also unacceptable for the runway. As long as body discrimination goes both ways, I'm cool.

In the end, Team Two wins, and Stacy Ann books the most shows. Seventeen editor Ann Shoket tells the winners they are going to be shot for a summer beauty spread for the magazine. They get to wear brightly coloured bandannas and make cheesy smiles and it's all very Seventeen.

The photo shoot challenge for the week takes the girls to a theatre where Mr. Jay is suspended on a treadmill, running Terminator-style in a very awesome light-coloured suit. Creepy futuristic music is playing as he pumps his arms up and down and the girls watch on in what may be slightly fearful awe.

Anya gushes in her Zoolander accent, "He looks like a silver robot."

Mr. Jay bursts through a wall of cardboard boxes and the girls squeal. Turns out they are on the set of the new art performance production Fuerz Buerta.

The girls are told they must lay in a shallow pool of water on a sheet of Mylar suspended in the air. Photographer Mike Rosenthal will shoot them from underneath. Cool?

After being told she doesn't need to slide into the water face first like a city kid attacking her neighbor's Wet 'N Slide, Claire does exactly that and almost gives herself a concussion.

While she recovers, Dominique slips and slides like a trannie sperm. Stacy Ann isn't quite as comfortable, looking more like a tadpole. Most of the girls seem to find semi-drowning to be, well, semi-horrible. Another Tyra torture shoot success!

At panel, Katarayzna debuts her new short cut. It turns out Tyra still can't pronounce her name, so Miss J assists by renaming her "Neutrogena." Pauline 'praises' the new do by noting Kataryzna's "weird Eastern European tackiness is now gone." Ouch.

On the topic of hair, Nigel calls Dominique a "mess" and says her hair looks like "There's Something About Mary." Yeah. Apparently the new insult is "You look like you styled your hair with cum."

For a second week, I am shocked by the bottom two. This time it's Claire and Lauren. Claire (yes, Claire!) is sent home and she appears as baffled as I am. Packing up her bags in the loft, she admits that she feels huge guilt for leaving her baby and husband for a failed endeavour. What is totally mind boggling is that between the two mommies, Dominique is the one who remains.

Next Week: Legal troubles for Fatima and Lauren circumcises her finger.

Sad Clown

For those who missed it, this was the now-booted Marvita's incredibly sad photo from last week:

Feel the Pain: Another Week of ANTM

This week we begin by cruising in the Fab Cab post-panel, where Aimee is just really surprised y'all about all the compliments she got on her glowing skin. Oh the epidermal benefits of a Mormon lifestyle...

Back at the loft it is quickly apparent that just as Claire's breast milk is drying up, so is her patience. Unable to deal with Dominique's beeping alarm clock, she calls Miss Dom a "shady bitch." It seems a little heavy, especially for 6 in the morning, but these are grown women sleeping in bunk beds.

The fight continues into more civilized hours, as Dominique yells back at Claire and suggests that if Claire calls Dominique a bitch, she probably calls her husband a bitch (it will be years before anything will be created to span the distance in that gap in logic). Claire gets all "why you bringing up my home life?" and then, with finger wagging, goes for the gut. "At least I have a husband." Burn. Except that Dominique seems sort of totally oblivious to the apparent attack on her single motherhood status.

Lauren and Whitney jump in with their own variations on "shady bitch." Lauren calls Dominique "fucking crazy" and Whitney just blabs something inane and cheerleader-ish.

But enough of the petty arguing. It's Tyra Time. As the girls pull out in the Fab Cab, the driver's divider window draws down to reveal Miss Tyra behind the wheel. She pretends she's the one who has actually been driving them around, which leads me to wonder if that will be her next big undercover assignment (In the spirit of hard-hitting investigative journalism, Tyra's already gone in cognito as a man, a poor person, and a fat person. Why not a middle-of-the-road person?)

The girls are directed up to a dance studio where they put on red long johns and get further runway strutting and posing instructions from Tyra (who is wearing a black body suit and what appears to be a leather girdle).

According to Tyra, it is all about "posing with pain." She instructs the girls to pose as if they have what appears to be carpal tunnel, spina bifida and then period cramps. Because nothing says couture like a swollen belly and a sudden hatred for all mankind.

The highlight of the training is Tyra mocking Lauren by doing a crack walk shuffle. Having spent years studying the variations of this shuffle, I can assure you that Tyra has a good crack walk. She just needs to work on her paranoid back-spin a bit.

Back at the loft the girls learn the training was actually a contest, and Anya won for best pose with pain. Anya is very excited because she wins a photo shoot with Nigel Barker. As Anya talks about Tyra and Nigel's greatness I realize I know exactly where I have heard her accent before. It's not Hawaiian--it's Derek Zoolander's accent! It's uncanny! I wonder if she actually studied it or if she was just born with it.

Anya's photo shoot get her nude and rolling around on a bed with Nigel looking on somewhat lecherously. But I have to admit, the photos look amazing.

When Anya returns and gushes about her nude shoot, Aimee brings up her never-nudeness again and admits she's relieved she didn't win the prize. Apparently good Mormon skin is covered-up Mormon skin.

Meanwhile, Lauren, Whitney and Claire decide to camp out in the bedroom when Dominique is trying to sleep. They gossip about her with increasing loudness the more urgently Dominique begs them to go to another room to talk about her. It's at this point that I actually have to side with Dominique. I mean, we have all been victims of the bitchy girl posse (albeit in grade seven) and it really isn't cool to gang up on people, even if they are shady bitches. As for Claire, I sort of expected more from a nursing mommy.

The next day the girls are taken to their shoot in Williamsburg, where they are shot by Russell James and dressed in various music-inspired fashions.

Fatima is heavy metal, Claire is old-style country (she looks like a Hee Haw extra), Whitney is grunge and Lauren is pop, although her red and black PVC outfit is more appropriate for a trannie hooker. Dominique is dressed in a folksy outfit with headband and looks so hideous that I actually gasped when I saw her.

But during panel, the judges continue to pretend that Dominique is not the fugliest ANTM contestant ever and she actually gets compliments on looking like the scariest possible byproduct of Sonny and Cher. The judges also conveniently continue to ignore Stacy-Ann's totally cheesy catalogue look, perhaps because they are too busy being awed by how hot (and by hot they mean the opposite of Eastern European sleaze) Kataryzna looks in her Emo photo with short hair. Tyra tells her a pair of scissors will be visiting her at the loft next week.

Whitney ranks first for her pic and Claire and Aimee are in the bottom two. This is ridiculous considering every other week these girls have taken great photos. For some reason the judges have had something against Aimee from the start and now it's time for her to take her modesty and get the hell out of dodge.

Next Week: The fashion world tells Whitney her size 10 body is too big and I feel mounting shame about all the chocolate I've been eating.

Neon Paint, Vogueing and Arm Pit Hair? It's the 80s on ANTM!

Sigh. So, let's guess what this week's episode of ANTM offers. Fatima dissing other girls for being ghetto? Check. Dominique talking about her fabulous self in the third-person? Check. Marvita revealing even greater depths of self-defeatism? And check.

If anything, the girls this season are consistent. And so are the experts. Benny Ninja is back in all his 90 pounds of vogueing glory. He tells the girls it's all about the three Cs: Commercial, Catalogue and Couture. While it is never really clear to me what the difference is between commercial and catalogue (is it, like, the difference between print and television??) the girls seems to do well hamming it up in front of the little posing hobbit and his token supermodel sidekick Vendela.

Back at the loft, Dominique misses her scheduled phone time and it is totally Whitney's fault because she should have kept an eye on Dominique's time and told her since Dominique is a SINGLE MOTHER and can't possibly be responsible for something as intense as, well, keeping track of time. Since Whitney refuses to accept blame, Dominique calls her a "big brick wall who's racist." Huh? Whitney, who gravely notes that in the south you do not joke about racism, blows up. But as Dominique explains with calm insanity, "you can be racist against a red-headed white Catholic girl."

And this is why I hate people who speak of themselves in the third person: they are retarded.

Thankfully, the girls head off to Brooklyn, Lauren's territory, where they are greeted by a bunch of freakish club kid trannies who apparently drove their Back to the Future DeLorean all the way here from 1989. Dominique gives a knowing wink to the trannies, like, uh huh, these my peeps, while some of the other girls, like Stacy-Ann, seem terrified by the screaming hooting e-tripping boy/girls.

The girls are set up into two teams for a pose-off where Fatima takes the rather aggressive competitive stance of shoving her vadge in Whitney's face to one-up her. Nice try, but no love, as Whitney pulls out the splits. Buel-yeah! Of course, size 2 Vendela crunches her nose at the display of plus-size flexibility and suggests Whitney looks trashy. Apparently since her dye job, a number of people have told her she looks like Anna Nicole Smith. Yikes. But good for tranny judges.

In the end, the team with Claire, Marvita, Whitney, Katarzyna and Stacy-Ann wins and the girls get to go with Vendela to a swag tent where they can grab whatever they want. Since Claire is the best poseur, she wins a trip to Bora Bora. Oh, to be one of the beautiful people.

But it seems like an invite to the land of the lucky is not sitting well with Marvita, whose wavering self-confidence can only be assuaged by sucking back 45s with Lauren. She keeps mentioning how the loft is the nicest place she's ever lived, how the swag was free--free!--and how she's just not used to this in the ghetto. Meanwhile, Fatima glares at the beer-swigging Marvita and snips about how she's so "hood."

At this week's photo shoot, Mr. Jay has the girls wearing 80s punk glam visors and bright eyeshadow while getting cans of neon paint poured over their heads. Basically a couture version of You Can't Do That on Television.

While most of the girls do a good job not looking freaked while paint runs down their eyes, Whitney looks a little porno, Anya looks a little stunned and Marvita looks really sad. Dominique, unfortunately, kicks ass.

At panel, Vendela joins the under-used Paulina, the sparkly brow Miss J, the orange Nigel and the self-aggrandizing Tyra. Looking at the photos, the great scandal is that--gasp!-Fatima doesn't shave her pits! There are like 9 little soft hairs showing and Tyra is like, "you haven't shaved in months." What?

I shave every day and by noon my pits have a 5 o'clock shadow. 9 hairs? Then Nigel goes on about how retouching is expensive and a razor is cheap. Whatwhat? A razor is like $15. Each blade is like another $4 (which is why I am still scraping the same sorry ass razor over my legs that I bought in October). And from what I can tell, Photoshop is pretty damn cheap and basically used by every photographer anyway.

Well, after the trauma of the exposed arm pit hair, we learn that Lauren's heels are missing (damn trannies) and then Marvita's photo is revealed. Oh, Marvita. This photo might be the saddest photo ever taken on ANTM. You know those old velvet paintings of sad clowns with wilted flowers? Well, that's this photo. I burst out laughing and crying when it was revealed. That sad.

In the end, Whitney and Marvita are left standing and then Marvita is sent packing.

Next week: The whole house explains to Dominique that she's insane.

In Case It Wasn't Clear, Tyra Declares: Models Are Pieces of Meat

As this week's episode of ANTM started, I was startled into realizing just how fugly this season's makeovers are. I mean Anya looks like she just emerged from some sort of alien pod, and Dominique's new hair colour looks like it's still being set. What's up with the roots being lighter than the rest of her hair?!

Regardless of her appearance (and the fact that she was in the bottom two), Dominique says Tyra has put her on a "pedestal" and brags to the other girls that they'd best watch out. The girls politely roll their eyes before going back to ignoring her.

Back at the loft, the Tyra Ticker (props to Entertainment Weekly for the name) suggests the girls are off to the fire hall. And sure enough, the Fab Cab drops the girls off at the 5th Company Fire Hall, where Miss J makes her grand entrance by sliding down the fire pole like a real, er, pro.

The girls are given 90 seconds to dress up in weird firefighter uniforms/lederhosen, with high heeled duckies. It's all really wrong, but it's more wrong for Fatima who leaves her own shoes own and is scolded by Miss J for the oversight. BTW--How obvious is it that Miss J cannot stand Fatima!

The hall's men are invited to gather round and watch the girls do a runway walk-off. Claire kicks butt, Fatima walks like she's wearing leg braces, and Amis skips because it "makes her feel good." Despite the antics, the whole scene made me really uncomfortable. The fact that the women are dressed like calendar girls (and are being eyed at close range by a bunch of firefighters) made it more Maxim than Top Model .

Back at the loft Aimee calls the shower, Fatima, Marvita and Dominique get all pissy for no reason (there are apparently three bathrooms in the loft, making the ratio of bathrooms to girls about the same as beds to girls) and Aimee admits her big issue (no public nudity). Wow, these girls' causes just get more and more intense.

Since Whitney stands up for Aimee, Dominique and Fatima decide to hate her and Dom calls her "white trash" which is interesting in light of the fact that apparently next week she accuses Whitney of being a racist...a little projection anyone?

The Fab Cab delivers the girls to an old church where they are doing a Tuleh Designs fashion show for whatever weirdos show up to watch ANTM runway shows. The girls must dress themselves within 3 minutes, while our old ANTM darling Jasleeeeeene and Seventeen Magazine nose-in-chief Ann Shoket watch on. (Let's not even talk about the ridiculous Lohan peace-out that Shoket gives the girls as she leaves backstage.)

In the chaos of self-dressing (what is otherwise known by the rest of the world as simply, um, dressing) there is the inevitable exposed runway nipple, ass cheek, and button mishap. Yes, Fatima buttoned up her sweater incorrectly, which she gets 'dressed down' for but I get it, man. Most days the sides of my shirt are ribbed in white deodorant, my underwear rides above my jeans, my boots are covered in salt and my hair has bits of last night's if-I-eat-it-in-the-kitchen-it-doesn't-count snack in it. All things considered, these girls did a fairly decent job of dressing themselves.

The best dresser, however, is Katarzyna, the girl with the name that is never pronounced the same way twice. She gets to pick two friends (Amis and Marvita?!) to do an advertorial with her and Jaslene for Lot 29. Meanwhile, Lauren is in tears because Jaslene told her she looked like she didn't want to be a model (ouch).

At the loft, the Tyra Ticker spells out the first meat pun of many when it asks if the girls have the "chops." That's right, they are off to the Meatpacking District where apparently some meat is still being packed and not every space is an overpriced theme restaurant/club.

The girls walk into a meat fridge and warily eye the hanging carcasses. Of course leave it to the only model who is a healthy weight to note, "I eat steak. It wouldn't be so bad to put it on." But while Whitney is willing to strap on a pair of beef panties, the rest of the skinny chicks look like they're going to gag. Mind you, the meat bra and halter tops and panties are really nasty looking (and I am sure they felt even worse against skin).

Turns out the threat of salmonella was just what Lauren needed to bring out the model in her. Claiming she just imagined being Leatherface from Texas Chainsaw Massacre, she grips a meat hook and scares the shit out of the photographer, making for an awesome photo.

At judging panel, sleepy Amis looks like an American Apparel-ed Axel Rose and is told to take off her ridiculous headband (now if only we could get them banned from babies!). Although, if we're going to talk about shit head gear, I am not sure why no one is addressing the fact that Fatima's weave looks like a cheap-ass Halloween witch wig. I mean, it is sad.

Checking out the pictures, Whitney's photo makes her look like a smoking hot Jennifer Jason Leigh, Claire looks all angle-y, Anya looks like an editorial model and Aimee looks disgusted by all the flesh.

As the judges discuss the girls, Nigel notes that Anya "looks like chopped liver in front of you and prime rib in pictures." Again, the judges make fun of Katarzyna's Eastern European/sleazy look.

Tyra hands out the photos but stops when she gets to Katarzyna and makes totally gross and awful sex noises to explain what the judges think of her. She then suggests she wear her hair in a bun next week, I guess to look less, "uuh, uh, uhhuh."

Fatima and Amis are in the bottom two and then Amis and all her wackiness are gone. As she packs up at home she sighs, "I'm so grateful. I got to be a part of something bigger than myself." She seems so genuinely happy that I wish I could spend a day with her brain. I bet it would be like an NFB animated short from the '70s.

Next Week: The tiniest little Ninja returns.

From Big Box Stores to Big Backed Barbies: The Tragedy That is ANTM

So this week's episode begins with some serious horn-tooting from Dominique (who I have decided is not a Robin Wright Penn drag, but a Jada Pinkett drag [otherwise known as a Dragga Pinkett]) and Allison. Allison reminds us AGAIN that she's modelled in Asia, in Tapei, Shanghai, Thailand and a bunch of other places where our clothing is made in sweat shops. Wonder who's gonna be in the bottom two...

Fatima, the resident passo-agressor, lets Allison know that her ass is bigger than Fatima's, or at least because Allison is overall a lot bigger, it gives the impression that her ass is bigger. Allison zings back with the "I had an eating disorder, how dare you," which is similar to Marvita's "I was raped, how dare you" of the first episode. I am not sure if this season is about personal causes as much as it's about personal issues which, while normally I find saliciously appealing, I hate being used instead of witty retorts.

The electronic Tyra board lets the girls know it's time to get prepped, so the Fab Cab whisks them off to a suburban Walmart. They are greeted there by Cover Girl reps who tell them their challenge is to quickly apply their own make-up. Oh, and it turns out that the face of the winner of this season will appear on a Walmart display for $6.95 mascara. Ew, glamourous. Glamorous, glamorous. (I'm singing the Fergie song).

In the end Fatima looks ashy, Allison looks trampy and Claire wins for technique and well, just being really pretty. Her prize--she's going to appear on Walmart.com. O-R-O-U-S.

Back at the loft, more self-righteousness. Claire argues that as mothers, her and Dominique have more invested in winning. Amis is all buggy-eyed, yeah, I bet moms really do have more responsibilities. But then Dominique is all, yeah, but I'm a single mom, so I have the most invested.

While that mildly annoying conversation takes place, another more horrifying interaction is unfolding. Allison, who apparently travels with Barbies, pulls them out and starts packing Kleenex in the bottom of the black Barbie because she's "black, so she needs more junk in her trunk!" Allison says this in a high baby voice like, "Barbie tired! Barbie needs sleep!" Whitney is sort of half-playing along at this point, vaguely aware that Fatima is in the room, voicing her annoyance.

Allison continues. Being the voice of the black Barbie she mews, "I like to take it in the back because I'm black."

Uh, WTF?

At this point Whitney sort of rolls away uncomfortably and Fatima (quite rightly) explodes. Meanwhile, I was waiting for some security guard to come and escort Allison out of the loft and onto a direct flight to Chang Mai.

Is it just me or is this season just a little too grim? Maybe I miss the sunlight and warm weather of LA. Maybe it's the gritty new black and white opening. Or maybe it's the fact that these girls this season all seem to be selected for their seriously fucked up natures rather than modelling potential. Sigh.

With a heavy heart I watch the girls get transported to the Stephen Knoll salon for makeovers. Too many girls are dyed plantinum blond, while a small "Tyravision" box at the bottom of the screen features Tyra maniacally imitating the girls as she narrates what changes she's secretly instructed the salon to do.

Smoking hot Whitney goes blond and looks sort of dumpy. Anya looks like an Albino Celine Dion. Claire gets clipped and goes white blond. Allison goes from Gossip Girl to Desperate Housewife. And Stacey-Ann looks like she got shaved by the nurse who checks for head lice. The only obvious makeover winners are Marvita and Fatima, who cries during her weave but then claims the long locks bring out her "East African-ness."

Next morning the girls are driven to the harbour where they find Elle MacPherson and her lingerie line waiting for them inside a boat. George Holz is going to photograph the girls in lingerie with the Brooklyn Bridge as a backdrop! How appropriate for a freezing cold morning in NY!

In the brief moments that she appears on camera, Elle comes across as warm, maternal, sincere and graceful. Plus, during the shoot, she is wearing what look like the coolest pair of Ray Bans ever.

Instead of just hawking her line, Elle takes the time to try and counsel every girl on how to take good pictures. While most girls seem thrilled by her attention, when she gets to Allison, she's too busy posing in the mirror and bragging about her modelling experience in Asia to listen to Elle. Um, oops.

Most of the girls look awkward and unprofessional balancing on the bow of the ship, although Marvita works her new horse do with a gentler confidence.

Back at the loft, Allison and Dominique brag about kicking ass on their shoots...

At juding panel, the crew look like a bunch of freaks. Nigel is orange (even Tyra asks him where the tan is from), George Holz the photographer looks like a creepy pervert, Miss J is wearing sparkly eyebrows that remind me of that raver NY kid that ended up killing his friend and being portrayed by Macaulay Caulkin in that movie that was supposed to mark Macaulay Caulkin's adult acting break-out, and Paulina looks more Paula Abdul than high fashion.

Most of the photos look mediocre and Tyra tells Whitney that she was pissed that the stylist wrapped up the plus-size model in a corset. "I wanted to see your booty," she says. "You got booty like I got booty." She also tells Allison she likes her new look and Allison smiles and nods. Nigel pipes up, "Aren't you going to say thank you?" like he's appalled that the great Tyra was not addressed more formally. Allison continues to smile and then weirdly winks and if you follow the trajectory I think she was winking at Miss J which is just...wrong.

After the girls leave, Tyra grabs Nigel and Miss J's hands and forces them on her ass. "Feel my booty" she says about, well, three times too many and Nigel goes from orange to red. Even I feel sorry for him.

Going through the girls, Holz says he thought Dominique was someone's mom, Paulina knocks Kataryzna as looking "mail order bride" and Miss J describes Anya's mysterious Hawaiian accent as sounding like someone "on sleep medication with a Jamaican accent." Ha!

No surprise, Allison and Dominique are in the bottom two. Dominique is told she is safe and is going to get her hair recoloured while Allison is told she needs to learn two words: Thank. You.

As Miss J rips off Allison's panty liner label from his chest, she bursts into tears and I feel...relieved. I am glad she's off the show because her narcissism and cruelty actually scared me. And racism is not cool.

Good luck in Taipei!

Next Week: More Fatima drama and a runway lesson at the firehall. Please God, let there be some light!

Cause: I Don't Believe in Fashion

Yay! A new season of crazy thin girls running rampant through a city (in this case, New York).

Right away Marvita is all about asserting herself ("I'm back" she proclaims, making me wince for fear that she will the first eliminated) while Kim whines, "I'm not a dumb blond." And yet her up-speak suggests otherwise...

As the girls gather in a coffee shop, a hot courier boy drops off their Tyra Mail which is directions to their new loft in South Soho.

When the girls arrive at their new digs they discover the house 'theme' is What's Your Cause? As usual, bedding was not a cause that anyone in production bothered taking on, since there are only a limited number of single bunk beds and the rest of the girls are forced to share a giant bed.

Fatima starts to emerge as the resident bitch, telling the newly-named Amis (formally Amy) that she talks too much. But she tells her in a snooty passive-aggressive Omarosa sort of way by noting that not Fatima, but other people might assume that Amis is an idiot. Hm. Charming.

The Js arrive and take the girls on a bus tour of NYC, dropping them off in Times Square to do a Badgley Mischka runway show. While slightly amused tourists bundled in winter coats look on, the girls stumble down the runway in various sheer spring numbers. The highlight is Kim's admission in interview that her outfit cost a couple thousand dollars, which seems ridiculous to her since she doesn't "believe" in spending that much on clothes. Uh oh. Looks like someone picked the wrong cause.

After the show, the girls return home where a new high-tech mail delivery system has been installed. Yes, Tyra Mail is now delivered via the indoor electronic sign. So New York.

The scrolling electronic message tells the girls to head off to Elite Model Management where manager Neal Hamil and supermodel Paulina Porizkova are waiting. Paulina warns the girls that the industry will often tell them "hurtful" things, so she might as well get the hurting started.

Paulina points out zits, square jaws and smushy faces but the biggest insult is reserved for Dominique who she describes as a "transvestite Robin Wright Penn." Ouch.

After crushing the girls, Paulina cheerily wishes them a good time at their first photo shoot.

Outside, the Fab Cab (a stretched yellow cab limo hybrid) drives the girls off to the shoot. Fatima starts repeating all the criticisms Paulina expressed and Marvita exclaims, "I've never met a mean African until you." And as Marvita shakes her head, I really believe her.

At the set, Mr. Jay lets the girls know the shoot is to benefit the Reciprocity Foundation for Homeless Youth. That's right--the girls will pose with homeless women. So New York.

So the girls get wardrobed in outifts that look like Oliver! meets Galliano. Fatima becomes overwhelmed with emotion as she recalls the taunts of her classmates who used to accuse her of living in a shelter. Marvita uses her recent experiences as a homeless person to inform her poses. And Amis, well, she just jumps around and giggles helplessly.

Before the judging panel starts, we see Tyra's politically riveting homeless photo: she is looking up at the camera, a "Will Pose for Change" sign beside her. Tyra admits the photo shoot was personally important to her. Not because she knows or cares for homeless people (she refers to them as the people she used to "ignore") but because on the Tyra Show she once pretended to be homeless for a day. How do you do it, Ty-Ty?

The panel includes Tyra, Nigel the ever-glowing, Miss J wearing a Janet Jacket-esque military jacket with each of the girls name applied with velcro (for easy removing) and--surprise!-- Paulina Porizkova as the new Twiggy. Or, the anti-Twiggy, as she enters by pushing her way past the girls and twirling self-importantly in a purple gown I believe was once worn by Linda Evans on Dynasty.

Paulina is quick with her opinions. She disagrees with Nigel (calling him the "old judge") and praises Anya's photo for looking "homeless Russian."

Miss J has an obsy-doodle boy-boy crush on Dominique, gushing, "You are so drag-licious."

Allison is told her pilates training seems to be working against her. When the judges are alone, Tyra calls Allison a "wannabe Gossip Girl" but I actually think she's closer to the elitist girls of the 80s (Heathers anyone?)

Claire our breast-pumping mommy has the best photos overall but admittedly a lot of the girls look really good. Mind you, the girls always tend to look best in shoots where they are supposed to look like shit (cycle 9 cancer anyone?).

When Kim stands in front of Tyra for her photo critique, before the photo is even revealed, Kim admits that "the whole fashion thing doesn't interest me at all."

Pause. Clank! as Tyra's jaw hits floor. As Tyra's brain synapses to near-epileptic levels, she tries to make Kim feel guilty for taking a spot in the final 14 when other girls were sent home. Kim remains unfazed. Finally Tyra snaps, "Fine. Do you just want to go home?" And Kim smiles politely and nodding with an obvious measure of relief, says, "Yeah" and leaves the set.

In her interview at the Loft of Causes, Kim says modelling was fun, but the high price of clothing didn't sit right with her and her heart wasn't in it. And I have to say, right on, Kim. Instead of taking on female circumsision or child rape, you heralded a cause that actually should be addressed by those in the fashion industry.

See ya.

Meanwhile, Miss J tears up Kim's photo and rips her name off his chest like a misplaced panty-liner.

Tyra announces that a girl will still be voted home and it comes down to Atalya, a non-descript pretty black girl from Florida and Amis, whose goofy honesty is both kinda annoying and kinda endearing. Either way, she kinda stays and Atalya is booted.

Next Week: Makeovers and Confrontations!

Like 60 Minutes, But Totally Not

Here's a brief montage of interview clips with the ANTM girls.

Worth watching if only because it confirms that Allison is delusional in that scary cheerleader who murders sort of way and that basically none of the models make any sense when they open their mouths.

Tonight Twiggy-replacement Paulina Porizkova sums up the girls as "Bad skin. Smushy face. Transvestite," to which some fashionista mews, "You're fabulous!"

Let the self-esteems crumble!

Tyra Insincere? No!

On her show yesterday, Tyra strapped herself up to the lie detector and answered the pressing question on everyone's mind: "Do you think every ANTM winner deserved to win?"

Guess what the answer was?

Beyond the utter shock of discovering that Tyra is a complete phony, I am more struck by the predominance of lie detectors on American television (Maury Povich, the new craptastic Moment of Truth).

Lie detectors haev become to American ethics what diet pills were to weight loss in the 80s: a lazy shortcut that masks the bigger question.

Just as you should wonder what is being lost when you pop a pill and drop some pounds (is it fat, muscle or your brain's ability to operate while under the influence of amphetamine?), take a moment to consider what is being sacrificed by a reliance not only on lie detectors, but on the notion of telling the truth as the ultimate barometer of ethical goodness?

With all the focus on being honest, the ethics behind what is being asked (let alone what is being revealed) is lost.

As I told my husband last night, if he was the kind of guy who thought going on the Moment of Truth was the best way to ten grand, I wouldn't be sitting on the sidelines waiting to find out if he lied about saying he liked my ass.

I'd be hustling said ass out the door.

ANTM Will Save us From Writer Strike Blues!

Check out the new promo for Cycle 10 of ANTM!

It's so dark. So underfed. So top-hatty. So New York!

Oh, and the pic is a spread from US Weekly. The girls sort of look like Liza Minnelli if she was a pilgrim who did meth and hooked.

Let us all count down to February 20th!

Saleisha's Seventeen Cover

I begrudgingly confess this looks pretty good.

ANTM: There is a Fate Worse than Winning

What happens to girls after they're booted from ANTM?

They go on to...deliver pizzas. Apparently failing out of ANTM has the same consequences as failing out of high school.

What's the weirdest part about it all is that the pizza delivery girl in question is Sarah from cycle 8, who you may or may not remember as the uptight 'professional photographer' who kept being reminded that she needed to stop overthinking her shots. Guess there wasn't much thinking going on after all.