ANTM Recap: The Future is Here

Watching the premiere of America's Next Top Model was sort of like getting a glimpse of the future and having it confirmed that reality television really will be responsible for the downfall of civilization.

Sort of terrifying and sort of mesmerizing in the campiest of all possible ways.

Cycle 11's opening episode is all about the future, which is also confused with martians, models and translucent rain coats. It begs so many questions:

Why was Miss J given the title Alpha J while Mr. Jay was relegated to the Beta second fiddle? Is this Tyra's attempt to further emasculate a man already forced to wear silver lame and white pants?

Why must the judges beam in and out of every shot like a triage of drag Captn. Kirks? Which leads to...

Why is the future of modelling so unbelievably fugly? White/grey hair, ill-fitting cruise wear for men, wetsuits for women?

Despite the rocking outhouse called the Glaminator 11.0, ANTM is alllll about ham this cycle. And not the ham that gives you listeria but rather the type of ham that offers Tyra-rific performances including:

Tyra as a moose
Tyra as a robot
Tyra as a humanitarian (did you know she has white friends?)

Of course, Tyra has got some semi-finalists competing for the crazy crown. Front runners include Marjorie (think Woody Allen disguised as a blond French Amelie), Elina (she's the girl in third year university who made you contemplate your bisexuality until she started rambling about animal liberation and then you suddenly realized her breath stunk of vegan halitosis and you stopped going to your philosophy class)and Clark (Southern hostility and a mannish face that the judges inexplicably keep describing as pretty).

The least crazy pair are Ultimate Fighter McKey, who took her hair style from Run Lola Run and Isis, the first transgendered contestant on the show. Isis is serious and gangly and looks like an awkward boy in a bathing suit, but she's so badgered and abused by most of the other girls (especially Clark and Hannah Alaska) that I hope she makes it to the finale.

I am also loving Sheena, a hot Sandra Oh channelling 50 cent.

Marjorie's photo ends up on top, and some girl who we don't care about because it's too early, is eliminated.

Next week: Elina converts Clark to the bi-side and Hannah Alaska is accused of racism. Scandal!