Wall Slides and Face Plants: Iglesias Meets ANTM

The wheels on the ANTM green bus are rolling as the girls gossip about the scandalous departure of Ebony. While Ambreal happily admits she's "not supposed to be here," Sarah, the only model ever to appear on the show within a healthy BMI range, is falling apart.

I don't blame her. If I have to go into a locker room full of droopy naked old German women I feel inadequate. I cannot imagine hanging in a house with scale-obsessed women where a girl like Bianca laments she's the fattest.

Right away the girls are given white-girl nude leotards and Tyra sweeps into the dance studio like a drag Debbie Allen with a giant staff. The girls are going to learn from the best-- Tyra-- about how to perform in a music video.

According to Tyra, she has been in a lot of videos (George Michael, Lionel Richie) but strangely, does not mention her OWN music video.

As the girls squirm like little polyps and skin tags, they learn the crucial difference between the hootchie wall-slide and the model wall-slide, the sexy floor crawl, and the sexy stage stomp.

In case there has not yet been enough humiliating attention placed on the girls' bodies, Lisa is singled out for being skinny but out of shape when she finds herself stuck at the bottom of a wall-slide without enough thigh strength to lift herself.

At first I was shocked since Lisa is an exotic dancer whom I imagine does pole slides on a nightly basis. She also weighs like 70 pounds so it's not like she needs Schwarzenegger's adductors. But if by the end this episode confirms anything, it's that models (even wannabe models) don't eat and when a girl is starved, it's an accomplishment is she can breath unassisted (spoiler).

Back at the house, Heather calls out to the girls with the same posture and expression as Statler, the grumpy old man muppet in the peanut gallery. Her dorky calls are ignored until she mentions "Tyra Mail" and then the troops storm the kitchen.

The challenge this week for the girls is not to look hootchie while wearing samosa-sized swaths of PVC over their nipples. That's right--they're acting in an Enriques Iglesias music video, putting them into the same esteemed league as Alyssa Milano and Anna Kournikova. Rock on.

The director, Jessy Terrerro, chooses Lisa to be the featured model, which means she gets a full body 3-second shot whereas the other girls only appear from the waist up. Heather is also highlighted, since she has a gothic look. 'Cause goths totally dig Enrique.

The shoot is a mix between a J Lo dance video and the movie Blade and the girls all appear surprisingly awkward on camera, especially Ambreal and Chantal. But I was distracted by my attempt to determine whether or not Enrique's facial mole had disappeared, and apparently it has, which makes me sad because the mole was ugly in that belle-laid way [this is my favourite French expression after esprit d'escalier both of which I give to you as your show-off sayings of the day].

By the end of the shoot, Heather passes out from malnourishment, dehydration, over-heating and exhaustion (in case one of those symptoms was not enough). In her after-interview, Heather mentions she hadn't eaten in 12 hours which again underscores how deprived these girls seem to be. There really needs to be a union for reality television folks. At the same time, I am wondering why the hell these girls aren't packing granola bars and Gatorade in their purses? If I have to leave the house to pick up drycleaning I take a snack with me.

I feel really sorry for Heather because she passes out in what has to be the most uncomfortable and uncomforting outfit ever. Bianca, who continues to perceive Heather as her biggest competition, rolls her eyes at the incident, and scoffs that Heather just doesn't have what it takes to be a model.

At the judging panel, Miss J. is all Black Power and Tyra looks like she has lost a bit of weight. However, it's not her weight the panel is judging this week, but Sarah's. Their plus-sized model is down in the pounds (and down in the dumps) and the judges have set their phasers to kill.

Jennah proves to be the worst in the video, but she is saved from being in the bottom two. So is Ambreal, whose 'do looks like a human hair yamulke. It is baaaad; the girl should have never made it to the top ten but whatever.

The bottom two are Chantal (who is looking hot and confident) and Sarah, who appears frumpy, tired and defeated. She is also wearing the most unflattering shorts imaginable.

Sarah is told bye-bye and she proceeds to engage in one of those ugly bawling sessions where your boogers connect to your sleeve, your eyes swell into purple testicles and you can't catch your breath. In other words, the break-up bawl.

I feel for Sarah since I am sure she will go home and obsess about her weight and stop eating and constantly ask her friends if she looks fat in her jeans now that her body image has been thoroughly perverted.

Next Week: The girls remake Istanbul.

And for those of you interested, here is the Iglesias video "Tired of Being Sorry" featuring our girls.