Crouching Tyra, Hidden Drag Queen

I forgot that this week the ANTM girls head off to China. As Saleisha says, "We're going to China. Let's get this party on the road!"

The girls' enthusiasm for heading across the globe is so intense, when they arrive at Shanghai Airport, both Lisa and Heather are compelled to wear sunglasses, even though it is night. Or perhaps the daunting glare of possible elimination is too great for them to take? Lisa does start the episode by noting, "The harder I try, the harder I fall." Hmmm.

Driving into Shanghai in what is likely not an eco-friendly bus, Heather takes off the shades and puts on a neck pillow--you know the kind that weird annoying people bring onto planes and you're all like, what a loser, while secretly wishing that you had one yourself?

As they drive into the city, Chantal admits she feels like they're on The Jetsons. Heather muses, "Shanghai is like no other city I've been to. Except Vegas."

When the girls arrive at a promenade they are greeted by the Js: Miss and Mr. But Miss J is looking seriously butch in a commie sort of way, while Mr. Jay looks like Ken and Barbie's genital-free plastic love-child left in an Easy Bake Oven for too long.

The girls' new home is a suite at the Royal Meridien. It looks amazing, but it turns out there are not enough beds (although there is a dining table big enough to serve 16?!). Saleisha hogs the biggest bed and refuses to share with Heather, which inspires some intense (and understandable) frustration from Heather who in turn begins crying as Bianca laughs in her face. Ouch.

Tears are eventually dried, bedmates allocated, and the girls are whisked off to the largest film studio in China. It is here that Lewis, tour guide/martial arts expert goes kung fu on their asses, teaching them a series of 9 poses. Not surprisingly, the girls stumble through their lesson, looking like skinny giants fumbling through tea service in Lilliput.

After the girls change into cool silk robes they are told they are going to be lifted into the air on cables and asked to hold specific poses. It is so awesomely Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon that for the first time in ANTM history, I actually wish I could do the challenge.

That said, Bianca, who admits "I don't even trust my family" refuses to let the four Chinese men holding the ropes lift her 30 feet in the air and is thereby disqualified. Heather, who is doing hachiji-dachi with as much focus as an eight-year old boy playing Wii wins the competition and 4,000 rmb which totals around $532 bucks.

Now Bianca, who from the get-go was like, "Everything is made in China, I want to go shopping," is hoping the woman she frequently traumatizes will invite her along. But Heather, who thinks tough love will be a good thing, invites Chantal.

The shopping montage looks like outtakes from a bad Jackie Chan comedy where tall hot American girls bend over to negotiate 'good price' with various tiny Chinese vendors. There is a shot of the girls trying on robes, which kind of blows my mind since, at 4 inches shorter, I could not find a single piece of clothing that fit me when I was in Asia. In fact, in one clothing store in Viet Nam, the proprietor laughed when I walked in, shook her finger and said, "You too big! We have nothing for you!" Needless to say, them there were fighting words and I pretended a 6x t-shirt that was labeled L fit me just to prove her wrong.

The shoot this week is a Cover Girl commercial/print ad for the new Queen Collection of make-up. The girls must memorize lines, wear their own clothes and make note of what makes them a queen. Mr. Jay and Cover Girl rep Brent Poer are there to critique, along with Jeffrey Chu, the art director.

Bianca looks like a drag queen with her wig off. Chantal giggles flirtatiously while wearing a five year-old's jumper. Saleisha is adorable and Heather and Lisa are awkward. In fact, Lisa has a meltdown during the commercial shoot and her eyes well up with tears as she explains miserably, "I am a queen." Heather, who Jay feeds lines to, can still not feign normalcy.

At the judging panel, Tyra greets the girls by yelling, "Ni Hao" and when the girls don't appear suitably amazed that Tyra can say hello in Mandarin, yells it again. The girls, looking sort of embarrased, are all like, "Yeah, ni hao, Tyra."

Jenah is picked on by Nigel this panel for coming across as too daft or vacant during judging panel. Whatever. Saleisha and Chantal impress with their age-inappropriate cuteness. Lisa is instructed by Tyra to cry when she needs to, although you know if Lisa had cried during her shoot, Tyra would have been telling her how important it is to tuck her feelings inside and forget about them (like she said about three episodes ago). Heather is told that while accommodations have been willingly made for her disability (and here Bianca rolls her eyes like, duh, cut the retard) she should have been able to perform better in front of the camera. Heather's photo, however, makes her look like a happy Brooke Shields.

When the girls are called back in the room, Tyra scolds them, noting "collectively you all did bad." But Chantal is less bad, and she is called first. Lisa and Heather are at the bottom and for a minute I panicked that we were going to lose our girl. But alas it is Lisa who is booted back to her life of stripper poles and low self-esteem.

Next Week: AHHHHHHH! Designer Go-sees!