ANTM Recap: To Clarify, Heather is NOT the Ocean

Before we get into last night's episode, I want to talk for a minute about Heather's Asperger's pout. You know, when her jaw sticks out, her shoulders slump and her eyebrows meet each other halfway down her nose? I have previously referred to it as classic little brother exasperation and this morning I decided to give it a try. I thought of what is presently annoying me (gas, if you were wondering) and did the Heather pout. And you know what? It felt awesome. It felt like a posse of 8-year olds with arms crossed were with me in a union of total annoyance at my gas. Bahhhh, grrrrr.

Seriously. Think about what's bugging you right now and do the Heather pout. Ah. Relief.

Okay, so last night starts out with Lisa looking all up and down at herself in the mirror (trouble!) thinking maybe she is (almost) all that and a pack of snacks. Meanwhile, Heather is glooooomy because Sarah is gone and naturally opportunistic Bianca follows street rules which dictate that you are obliged to kick every fallen woman you pass by. It is sort of totally horrible and totally mesmerizing to watch Bianca try to induce a breakdown in Heather.

Bells ring and it's back to school for the girls. Well, not really, since the bio-bus drops them off at the Fashion Institute. Benny Ninja, who has apparently killed Tyra and taken over her role on the show, is waiting for the girls, looking like a gay Scottish Klingon. Whatever fashion student dressed him mainlined meth before taping.

Also waiting with fly '70s porn director eye glasses is Neal Haria, director of Elite Models. Yay, someone important! He instructs the girls to pair with a student designer and inspire him or her with their personalities to create a dress out of a baby blue moomoo.

Since a bitch sheath has not been invented yet, Bianca and her designer are at odds. The designer suggests Bianca is Cleopatra and Bianca is all like, Girl, whatch you talkin' about? Heather stands awkwardly beside her designer, repeatedly twisting a lock of hair, which is apparently an early indication of insanity.

Ann Shoket, the editor of Seventeen returns for judging in her favourite Rainbow Brite get-up. The girls take to the student runway, all looking like they are wearing really ugly fabric cut and sewn by students. Jenah is the only remotely fashionable model of the bunch, although Saleisha wins for her butterfly costume.

Heather is hit hard by the pressure to speak in public and is momentarily paralyzed, as is Lisa, who does not have Asperger's, just a really low IQ with a stripper heart of gold. After the competition, Heather (who was wearing a dress that embodied the fluidity of the sea) fumes, "I'm not the ocean. I'm not even a water sign, I'm a fire sign." Ah, Heather. You are so great. And sort of scary.

Since Saleisha wins, she gets to take Lisa and Bianca to a Seventeen photo shoot. When all the girls get back to the house, Heather calls the shower, but Lisa and Saleisha race in before her, unleashing: The Fury of Heather.

Looking like a cross between Damien, a dragon and one of those homeless crazy women who don't brush their hair and pick butts off the sidewalk, Heather storms into the shower. Did I mention all the girls are naked? And showering together? And yet the scene is more reminiscent of Carrie than Debbie Does Dallas.

Naturally Bianca runs in to further taunt the beast and it is not clear if the steam is from the shower or Heather's nostrils. Oh six-feet tall women, you are so cruel.

Fake Commercial Time: This week's "My Life as a Cover Girl" commercial with Jaslene has her sitting at a table in Walmart signing autographs. I felt like her eyes were pleading "Help. Me." as she feigned a smile and told a pimply disinterested Walmart shopper that her eyeshadow was really pretty.

The next morning the bio-bus drops the girls off in the 'middle' of the dessert, which is really about 20 feet away from a convey of make-up trailers and camera crew but the girls are obliged to act all, omigod, we're gonna die in the dessert!

The photo shoot is great--sequined, shiny minis and a burning smashed up car. Jenah, who will obviously win this competition, rocks the shoot. Lisa looks like she was in the car when it got into an accident, moving stiffly around to Mr. Jay's direction.

At the panel, Tyra introduces the judges as a Chinese dragon puppet pokes its head behind the curtain. The girl's eyes light up--yes, that's right, Tyra announces. They are going to China! Woohoo! Amaaaaazing! Oh, but not all you girls. Hehe. See, unlike previous episodes where the remaining girls are told to pack their bags, this time Tyra decides to further destroy the spirit of the model kicked off by letting her know how close she came to a free trip. Bwa-wa.

The photos are actually not as crisp and great as I expected, but the panel is easy on Heather, loves Jenah, and is hard on Chantal, who I think looks like Charlize Theron in her photo.

Bianca is complimented on her shorts, which she explains she got "from a little store called Jenah's closet." Bianca is one of those girls you know would be your most aggravating and awesome girlfriend (we all have one).

In the end, not surprisingly, it is Ambreal and Lisa at the bottom and Ambreal of the slick comb-over is outsky. Which means this is the first episode this season where the first or second girl on camera is not the one kicked off.
Oh, what will we do without the code?

Next Week: China!