ANTM Recap: Our Girl Gets Shanghaied

This week begins with Heather reflecting on being in the bottom two last week and Chantal reflecting on how she is sick and tired of Heather getting special treatment because of her disability.

It's like those wheelchair ramps in shopping malls. Or how the streetcar announces stops for blind people now. Ugh. Infuriating.

Jenah is sour because she feels like the show has become a contest of personalities rather than modelling abilities and glowers menacingly at Saleisha's increasingly ridiculous cutesy antics (in this case she is jumping up and down on a bed squealing like a four-year old with a bag of Skittles).

Despite all the bad attitude, the challenge--GO-SEES--inspires all-round excitement. The girls are shipped over to PT Modelling, where they are greeted by managing director Susan Yang and "successful Chinese model" Shan Jin Ya. She is gorgeous and that has me now wondering--has there ever been an Asian model who has made it to the ANTM finals?

Susan lets the girls know they have 6 hours to see Shanghai's 5 top designers and each girl is provided a translator who can direct the driver. Once she leaves the car, each girl must find the designer's office herself.

Once again, the theme of the challenge is Yikes, Heather as in Yikes, Heather can't even find her first designer.

The 5 designers are a healthy mix of fashion archetypes, from the bitchy gay guy, Lu Kun, to the skinny, bejewelled sharp-tongued Flora Zeta. Hm, I think that pretty much covers the range of personalities in fashion, with the exception of smiling Buddha, which may only exist in China and in fact, may only describe designer Helen Lee, a quiet round matriarch who smiles patiently at all the girls.

Unfortunately for Chantal, she forgets to wear her model panties, so she traipses around for Lu Kun in a sheer skirt that reveals her bright pink and black lace bottoms. He admonishes her for her inappropriate underthings proving that it has been, uh, never since he has actually seen what bad underwear looks like (hint, it starts at the knees, ends at your underwire, and has lost all elasticity).

We cut back to Yikes, Heather, who offers us, as usual, the best quote of the episode: "The map's all in Chinese. It's all Greek to me."

This reminded me of a reading I went to last month where one author had actually written, "The coat fit like a glove." Except Heather's comment was charming and the author just, well, sucked.

As the girls hit their third and fourth appointments, Heather continues to wander in the rain, although with Heather's posture and gait, it looks more like stomping. Bianca is loving the challenge, going all, Bam, bitch to Saleisha, who is once again giggling and touching her neck to flirt her way into bookings.

Heather finally finds one designer before she loses her driver and translator and continues lurching around Shangai, knocking over bicycles like Godzilla in Tokyo. Meanwhile, the other girls are heading to the modelling agency to make it back before their time runs out. But Shanghai traffic proves worse than LA and Saleisha and Bianca are the only two to make it back in time. Jenah, Chantal and Heather (who arrives 45 minutes late) are all disqualified.

That night it's time for the girls to hit the town, or at least the roof top bar. Here, Susan Yang (looking like a Chinese Mrs. Garrett) surprises the girls but it's good news for Bianca.

When the girls stand up and look into the harbour, a billboat [This is my new made-up word for floating billboard. You are free to use it.] reveals Bianca is the new face of the 2008 Beijing Olympics. Because who wouldn't want to be associated with an event that held its countdown event at the popular Tienanmen Square and has wisely chosen children to produce its commemorative stationery?

The next day is shoot day, and Nigel is the photographer. And everyone involved in the shoot, from hair and make-up to art direction is an American. Okay, not everyone. There are a number of uncertain looking men holding parade dragons, hanging around the set attempting to make it difficult for the models to stand out. Because you know how hard it is for a 6 foot tall underfed American girl to stand out when surrounded by 5"3 Chinese men.

Jenah, for reasons unclear, suddenly gets cocky and sarcastic with Nigel, which ANTM fans will remember did NOT bode well for our girl Caridee on cycle 7 during the Spanish bull fight shoot. I was actually shouting at my TV, No Jenah, Nigel likes CUTE girls, not TALKING girls! but Jenah continues down her path to self-destruction.

None of the girls appear to be that comfortable with Nigel as the photographer, with the exception of Saleisha whose completely transparent and embarrassing cutesy routine is still being eaten up by Nigel (gag). Chantal poses like a drag queen version of Diana Ross (which is basically the same as the real Diana Ross) and Heather, according to Jay, "stuck her hip out like she was going to the bathroom." I guess Jay thinks girls just sort of aim their asses at the bowl and shoot deuces.

At the judging panel, Miss J. tells Chantal she needs to learn to dry her drawers with a hair dryer. Jenah is reminded how much her personality sucks and is told the designers thought she looked messy. Heather finds out from Miss J. that she needs "a top model ass whipping." I don't know what that involves, but I am pretty sure it is only legal in China.

The bottom two are Jenah and Heather, which compels shouts of protest from my couch. These two take the best photos! Is it just me or is anyone else shocked Bianca has made it this far? Or what about Chantal? WTF?

Oh, the humanity. Good-bye Asperger's. We'll miss you and your stooped shoulders, twisted mouth, and furrowed brow. But we're glad you made it to China and got to do kung fu moves in the air. You kicked ass, girl.

Next Week: Great Wall of Tyra.