Stupid Things People Say to Pregnant Women

Before I was pregnant, I could usually be counted on to say things to pregnant women that, in retrospect, were entirely un-funny and/or stupid.

I share my former ignorance with you now, if only to save me from having to hear you repeat these same ridiculous comments.

It Must Be Awesome Not to Get Your Period for Nine Months
Oh yeah. 50 days of heavy to light bleeding are totally unbearable compared to a 100+ days of random fluids leaking into your underwear.

The other morning I was chatting to my husband when I realized I had a dribble of pee running down my thigh.

Being period-free is so glamorous.

Looking Bloated!
I actually used to say this to a pregnant coworker while pointing my finger at her like a schmuck.

The fact that I was completely jealous of her pregnancy and on some pretty heavy-duty drugs is no excuse.

A pregnant woman has a giant uterus taking up space previously occupied by her lungs, stomach, bowels and bladder. She is not bloated, or fat, or as one giant asshole recently called me "tubby." A pregnant woman is pregnant and the best way to acknowledge it is by offering her your goddamn seat on the bus.

You Look Tired
My husband and I debated this one the other week. He thinks that when people tell me I look tired they are expressing a genuine concern for my well-being.

I say bullshit.

Unless it's my boss directing me to leave work early so I can sleep, there is no concern being expressed. It's just damn rude to point out to someone that she looks haggard.

I look tired? Dude, I am tired. And guess what? Tired people are not the people you want to go insulting. I spent all night getting kicked and punched from the inside out. And now I have the privilege of having my appearance scrutinized?

How about I follow you around for a week, sucker-punching you every time you shut your eyes? But don't worry. I'll then tell you how exhausted you appear, proving that I really do have your best interests at heart.