ANTM Recap: Hairballs Take Over the Great Wall

After the loss of Heather last week, I think we all fell into a slump. Work days dragged by slower, tears were quicker to flow and I was up 0.4 pounds at my Weight Watchers weigh-in.

Fine. Blame my period. But I still felt a pang when the girls arrive back at their Shanghai shack and find "Heather Mail." As Jenah reads the sweet sentiments aloud, Bianca rolls her eyes and admits not having Heather around isn't a big deal. Which is pretty much her karmic nail in the coffin but we'll get back to that later.

The girls are whisked off to Beijing, home of Mao watches and high...fashion. Kevin the tour guide shows the girls some sights but Jenah is too busy having a total mental breakdown to really appreciate the view.

When the girls arrive at a garden they are greeted by Twiggy and Miss J. who arrive in carriages being carried by weary men who look like they were taken from a nearby dungeon cell. The fearsome pair proceed to narrate the Chinese legend of the Four Beauties: Diaochan, Xi Shi, Yang Guifei and Whang Zhaojun. Metaphors are thrown out half-heartedly about fish drowning and the moon blushing and it's like, yeah, yeah, they're beauts, we get it.

The girls finally get to see their new digs where there is two beds and four outfits that looks like Chinese knock-off Disney costumes but are supposedly the garbs of the ancient Chinese beauties. The girls are given one hour and $200 to shop for accessories that will modernize their costumes.

So where do the girls do all their shopping in Beijing, mecca of world fashion? Aldo. Yeah, that Aldo.

Bianca tries to screw over Jenah by sending her on a wild goose chase and Jenah is pissed but all I can hear is the ominous thud of another nail in Bianca's coffin.

At the end of the hour the girls are greeted by a familiar schnoz, Ann Shoket, editor-in-chief of Seventeen. She says Bianca's strut is "a little too hip hop" which, if I had been standing behind her, would have compelled me to raise my eyebrows and shoulders like, "Hey, I have noooo idea what she's talking about. Uh, don't hurt me."

Jenah (who I will state again is the ONLY one remaining who deserves to win) kicks it on the catwalk and wins a couture Chinese dress for her and a pal (Chantal) and a private one-on-one walk session with Miss J. Oh, and by couture, they mean that Chinese dress that every white woman buys herself when she goes to Asia. Or Chinatown.

After Jenah's walking lesson, Tyra Mail lets the girls know they are going to be shooting on the Great Wall. But it gets even better because when they arrive, Mr. Jay lets them know that just like the Great Wall is famous, so is Tyra and surprise! She's taking your photos! Ni Hao! Crazy Tyra pops out from the Wall like David Copperfield and the girls all immediately stiffen like the warden's just arrived during lockdown.

The theme of this week's photo shoot is hair balls. As in, holy crap, this giant hairball was extracted from a teenager's stomach and I can't believe now the stylists are tying it to the top of the models' heads. Apparently this is some Chinese warrior custom, along with totally heinous make-up.

Chantal's shoot goes well but when Jenah arrives she admits to Tyra she is feeling like she has lost herself. Oh Jenah. Don't go telling your vulnerabilities to Tyra. That's like suggesting to your friend that you split up to search the old deserted mental hospital for your other pal. Bad. Idea.

Saleisha high jumps on the spot like some kind of Masi cow herder and Bianca sucks as usual (how did she make it this far??)

At the Judging Panel, the Visiting Nose competes with the Chia Pet Fro for total physical attribute dominance. It's a draw.

When Tyra calls Jenah up, her photo looks amazing (can anyone show me a bad photo she's taken?) but then Tyra innocently mentions that "Gee, she didn't even remember Jenah's shoot. It was like, gosh, she didn't even know who Jenah was." This inspires on-the-verge Jenah to burst into tears and admit again that she is feeling homesick and unsure of herself. But then she notes that her two little sisters need a good role model and that Jenah has to make it as a model for those poor, single-mothered little girls.

Now, at this point, I was like, Genius. The girl just worked a weak moment into a key branding moment--now she's the big sister hero. Unfortunately, the messaging falls on deaf ears because later when the judges talk in private, Tyra refers to Jenah's comments as her "swan song" and insist that she is probably one of those girls who will never hack it as a model. At this point I was actually starting to wonder if Bianca was Tyra's cousin the way Tyra was standing up for her to the other judges, but perhaps it was all just a red herring because in the end, not even Tyra could deny that Bianca had to go.

Tyra gives Bianca a nice pep talk, informing her that her future success in modeling will likely rest in her cousin, or brother, taking good snaps of her. Or like maybe she could go to the local Glamour Shots and get some snaps, eh?

Next Week: Season Finale!!

Oh and highlight of this week? Learning that Heather was once again voted Cover Girl of the Week--even though she is no longer on the show! Heather, by the way, is the only model in ANTM history to be voted audience favourite for this many consecutive weeks.