Colic is Hell

When I was pregnant and reading baby books, there was one word that lurked in the literature like an evil menace: colic.

The definitions of colic were varied, vague and sometimes conflicting, but I always skipped over the sections on it because, well, there was no way I was going to be cursed with a colicky baby.

Let it be said that I am now a self-defined scholar on the matter. So, what is colic?

Colic is hell.

Colic is what takes over your baby so that you and your husband stop referring to your son by name. Instead you says things like: "How was colic today?" and "We can't go out because we'd have to take colic with us."

Colic dehumanizes your baby, thieves your nights, and makes you feel like a really, really bad mom.

While other new mothers are joining yoga classes and going out for lunches, you are googling "gastro-intestinal" for the thousandth time and wondering why a baby sedative hasn't been invented.

Colic leaves you so delirious with exhaustion that you start scratching itches that aren't there.

After three months, you and your colicky baby are still only wearing sleepers for days on end and you constantly feel guilty because you spend what little energy you have willing away the days until your baby is eight years old and able to make you pancakes while you sleep in.

Colic convinces you that your baby's insides are shredding apart, that his farts are sharp as knives and that when he grows up he will have a weak disposition and complain frequently.

If your baby has colic your pediatrician will tell you "it will pass" and you will fantasize driving a pen into her eyeball.

Colic is being able to rock 16 pounds of distressed flesh in your arms for hours on end. Colic is denying your own physical agony, dislocating your thumb from so many hours of back patting, staying up for hours, days, on end.

Colic is nearly giving up a hundred times but always finding that little extra bit of resolve you need to keep on going.

For coping with colic, see www.fussybaby.ca, askdrsears.com, or visit a naturopath who treats infants.

If you are reading this because you googled "colic," my heart goes out to you.