Because 1 out of 13 Smokers Will Light Themselves on Fire

So the girls have been cast ahoy in LA's fashion district (which presumably houses more than just American Apparel and its pervy owner). Heather
"Asperger's" and Lisa "I've Seen Every Kind of Hurt" immediately stand out (since they are given more air time than any other girl).

The first model shoot has a SERIOUS message which is "cancer is ugly." And what better way to prove how ugly smoking is than by having 13 models pose with cigarettes? Of course, the girls were made not only glam but gross, with trach holes, spontaneously bleeding mouths, and burn scars (I think this one was to show how ugly smoking can be when combined with copious amounts of alcohol and barbiturates).

Mila, who I loved for her silly oval face and tiny eyes and perma-smile, lost my vote when she started giggling hysterically over how funny she looked as a chemo patient. Hahahahaha, my hair is falling out. Hahahaha.

First Commercial Break: An ad for Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's new Disney film The Game Plan. The Rock is so awesome he can inspire prisoners to get it together. Unfortunately, this commercial makes me embarrassed for him.

So, back to the shoot, where Bianca with the purple bangs and Lisa the stripper get into a cat fight. Best moment: The shot of Heather rolling her eyes at the bickering girls like an 8-year old boy mocking his older sisters.

Back at the house, one of the many nondescript white models complains that Heather has no social skills. As she explains that a disease is no excuse, the model is wandering around the living room--in her underwear! Yeah, I hate it when autistic chicks don't follow basic social decorum.

Second Commericial Break: Actually before the break we are shown a fake commercial with Jaslene (YAY!) as skinny and crazy as ever. She talks about her "glam-o-us life as a Covah Garl." Oh Jaslene, we miss you.

Outside the house, the girls are greeted by Miss J, dressed like Annie Leibowitz, who tells them they get to go crazy picking out an new outfit at...Old Navy. This is like winning $15, give or take 99 cents. At the Old Navy, our favourite Prince impersonator, Manny the laser ballerina from cycle 8, tells the girls to go nuts accessorizing. Of course since this is Tyra's show (and where is Tyra this episode?) the girls should not trust the person sent to mentor them. Only someone as seriously debased as Tyra would have seen through this guise, and well, it turns out the person is Bianca!

Back at the house, Kimberly reveals herself a Heather-hater, so I immediately hate her. Poor Heather cries to her mom on the phone, which surprises me, since the only understanding I have of autism is entirely based on Mark Haddon's The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime and from what I remember from reading that book 3 years ago is that austistic people don't really have the ability to express emotions. Like Data, from TNG. But maybe I am not remembering that right.

Third Commercial Break: Fisher Price's new Smart Cycle, a plastic stationary bike for tots that plugs into the TV and displays computer images of the outdoors as they pedal. So that kids don't have to, you know, go out on dumb bicycles in the real outdoors.

It's the first judges panel. Nigel is still hot, Twiggy still looks tired but sweet, Tyra appears to have found a new stylist (with taste), and Miss J looks like what I imagine his class picture from 1981 would have looked like. It's like he got Bill Cosby's weave. I am totally baffled. Maybe this cycle he'll wear a different wig each week???

The panel is boring (ie, Tyra appears sane), and even Ebony, the bitch from episode one, is now all lame, saying she wants everybody to like her. WTF?

Tyra surprises the girls by telling them there will be no smoking at the house. Which, geeky as I risk sounding, I think is great. Every scene at the house in cycle 8 centred around the girls smoking and using the plant pots as ashtrays. Of course Tyra qualifies the smoking ban by explaining that she has seen "98% of models smoke." So now Tyra is a pollster. Way to go, Tyra. Make sure to keep us up to speed on those Democratic presidential candidates!

Heather once again provides a darling expression when she is the first girl called by Tyra. I believe the look is one of shock and again, I did not think this was something someone autistic girls experienced, but whatever.

The final two remaining girls are Ebony, who has a nasty trail of snot running out of her nostril, and Mila, who appears high. Naturally Mila is voted out because karma pays attention and when you make fun of chemo patients, you will pay.

Mila, being high, just shrugs it off, admitting she must be in shock since she was certain she would win.

Preview for next week: More catfights.