ANTM: Class of '08 Commences

It's cycle 10 of our fave ANTM and it begins with a countdown montage of its best cat fights, botched makeovers, medical crises and runway spills. Because we all know the show really doesn't have anything to do with successful modeling...

So, foregoing limos or eco-vans, the 35 finalists are driven in a school bus to campus where Miss J and Mr. Jay welcome the new fashion students. Miss J is dressed like a headmistress drag queen and Mr. Jay is dressed like, well, a Miami club owner.

The girls are told they need to "make the grade" and are sent off to put on slutty schoolgirl uniforms, making the premiere of cycle 10 more reminiscent of Debbie Does Dallas than say, um, first day of classes at Harvard.

Brief on-camera interviews reveal Fatima, the Somalian, as a stand-out. The rest of the girls? Neh.

During Runway 101, Miss J demoralizes the girls for their awkward gaits, especially Lauren, a self-described punk from Brooklyn who looks like Dead Girl Walking.

Another standout during the walking lesson (for totally opposite reasons) is Claire, a gorgeous mom who later confesses to drinking her own breast milk to keep the jugs flowing while she's away from baby. I am not sure why she has to drink it, exactly, but she says it tastes like light soy milk which is only a carton away from tasting as good as vanilla soy.

A bonfire in the football field gets the girls excited (whereas I would have been terrified--hello Salem!) while being greeted by cheerleaders played by former contestants (including snaggle tooth Joanie and the awkward twins) doesn't really impress them.

Of course, when Tyra makes her grand entrance as the Homecoming Queen, with a crooked tiara and running mascara, the girls freak as if Carrie just telekinetically shut the gym doors. ARHARHAHHGHA. TYRA!

As one contestant sighs, "Tyra's just so special." Um, yep.

Tyra tells her "pretty bitches" that the lucky ones who make the grade are heading to NYC. But first, the girls must introduce themselves to the judges panel.

The Js and Tyra take their usual positions behind the table while the girls each introduce themselves and reveal those little dark nuggets of personality that make them 'stand out.'

Like Marvita, who was booted last cycle after confessing to abuse and rape. She's back after a year of therapy and claims that thanks to her pastor, she's got more Jesus in her.

There's also Allison, who kind of looks like a bitchy Sarah Silverman and claims that she is better than the other girls and better than the small crap midwest town she comes from. Guess who won't be voted homecoming queen in her senior year?

My early favourites for weirdness are Anya, who claims her accent is "beach surfer" although it sounds more like a Croatian lisp, and Jenna, a black girl trapped in a white girl's body who struts the runway as if she's cruising in her sooped up fly '07 Impala. She's like Fergie when Fergie still did crystal meth. Awesome!

Of course, while the girls take their turns with the judges, backstage cat fights are already breaking out. And, ewww, they are juicy! Fatima, the Somalian, calls the other black girls "ghetto" and according to Shalynda, Fatima means "ghetto" in the bad way (apparently there is a good way--who knew). Then Shalynda warns Fatima to back off 'cause Sha's a bitch. Fatima laughs all Iman styles (mwahaha) and tosses back her head and then pounces. "So if you're a bitch, should I call you a bitch?" Well Shalynda loses it and has to be held back! In episode one! Me-ow!

Of course, it's all hugs and kisses after Fatima confesses she was circumsized in Somalia and can never have sex with a man. Fatima cries and the girls are like, holy shit dude, and even I was like, wow. Crappy. But then Marvita asks something about doing it with girls and the whole group returns to a 'whatcha lookin' at bitch?' sort of vibe.

Class portaits are handed out and most of the girls that got any camera time were given a passing grade. At the commencement ceremony Tyra handed out scrolls of paper to 13 girls and then at the last minute hands out another one to Dominique, a tanned girl the others accuse of being a trannie. Dominique told the judges she survived being abused by her boyfriend and sort of summed up her self-worth as a "pretty package." (Maybe she can borrow some of Marvita's Jesus).

Next Week: The girls take a bite out of teacher Tyra's Big Apple!