Angelina Makes Us All Look Bad

Are you pregnant and feeling good about how you're handling all the changes in your life?

Well, unless you are expecting twins, piloting planes, leading peace missions to Afghanistan, having your doodles made into permanent tattoos and enjoying hot sex with Brad Pitt on a regular basis, guess what?

You're not feeling as good as Angelina Jolie.

When Angelina Jolie is not pregnant, her status as Better Than Everyone Else is slightly diminished. Sure, she is already the mother of four (soon to be six) but she slips her kids Cheetos and can be assumed to have a fleet of domestic help (despite her claim that nannies never sleep over).

However, pregnant-Angelina seems hellbent on remaining on the cover of every tabloid magazine, where her beaming plump-lipped smile can remind all women (pregnant or otherwise) that no matter how much they accomplish in life, They Will Never Be as Accomplished As Angelina.

Sure, you might be a pilot. But are you a pilot in your second trimester?

And hey, you might be keeping in shape while your belly expands, but would you call pregnancy "great" for your sex life? This morning I woke up to discover I no longer have the ability to turn myself over on our soft mattress. For a few minutes I panicked wondering how I was going to turn the alarm clock off.

Since when is feeling like an overturned turtle good for the booty (unless you are, in fact, a turtle)?

Never mind the multi-million dollar chateau in France, the mansion in New Orleans, the UN speaking engagements and Cannes Festival. Forget about the endless supply of designer bags, designer mat frocks, and cheekbones. I could look past the leading roles, the graceful and unwavering self-assurance and even the perfect body.

But please, Angelina. For the love of god. Go back to adopting. Until you are cursed with DNA that causes stretch marks, acne and sagging boobs, you need to stop creating such an unreasonable benchmark for pregnant women.

Because there is only one Angelina. Which means the rest of us are reduced to being that chunky ass in the portrait behind you. Our message is clear.